Our Everything

"That mistake he thought he made
Covers up the refrigerator.
He loves that little girl.
Mama's waiting to tuck her in
As she tumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him
Dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight,
Blue eyes and bouncy curls.

There goes my life,
There goes my future,
My everything.
I love you Daddy,
Good night.
There goes my life."

-- Kenny Chesney, There Goes My Life

I spent the past couple of days sick, and I went on WebMD because I thought it might be *gasp* serious. I couldn't find anything to indicate I was actually sick. I'm now convinced I'm just anxious. I'm stressed, I haven't been eating right. So I've been tired and pumping myself with caffeine. Coffee on an empty stomach is a bad, bad thing.

The interview itself doesn't really bother me. The IDEA that I have to have an interview bothers me.

But so many of my friends are telling me how happy they are because they moved on. And I think my ex is now willing to accommodate as far as my daughter is concerned.

Can I really drive in snow???

This begs so many more questions... moving vans and money, god, gas prices these days. What about transporting the dogs? Who will help me load the truck? How does one roll over an IRA? Can I go back to my old doctor in Pittsburgh? Do I need to collect medical records before I go? How can I pay for this? I have a hundred bucks in my checking account and nothing in my savings. Oh, do I close the accounts before I leave or can I do it from Pittsburgh?

Where do I get that many boxes? Will Zoe's dad give me her stuff from his house too? Will my car make it to Pittsburgh? Do I have to get some special tires or something? Do I have enough warm clothes? What happens to my custody case?

The production editor came up to me tonight and asked me to fill in for him for a day in November. I told him sure, if I was still around. He walked away in a weird way. We had our holiday lottery and they all joked that me begging for Christmas Eve was a joke. It would be the first year I actually got Christmas day and New Year's Day as my natural days off.

But I want to give them to Zoe's dad. Every day I'm here, I feel like it might be the last. I can't imagine how her dad is feeling, knowing he's somewhat willing to kiss his daughter goodbye.

Better schools, better life. Great family. Happier mom. Tons of support. I know I have weighed everything, and I know I am doing the best thing.

But Daddy?

Someday she will leave me too. I guess I'm feeling a little of that now.

Time's Up

"Still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets and
Every time I thought I’d got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet."

- David Bowie, Changes

I had another shouting match with my ex right before work today. And when I got to work, someone sent me a link to newspaper-related site that announced that a girl with barely a year of experience got the job I had applied for on our features desk.

How wonderful that I got to find that out on the Internet before someone at work told me.

I was riled up so I vented to my editor and my DME. This girl and her boyfriend (they ARE lovely people, I helped interview them) were hired together, some kind of "deal," one of the editors said. Well, good for them, but I've been asking for a "deal" for more than a year, and I've been lied to and strung along by one, two three, four, five... yes, five people. I told my editor that I was upset that no one feels the need to be up front or honest with me, and that I have so much to lose from not being able to act sooner than I am now.

I can walk into that newsroom on any given night and do anyone's job. Design, rim, slot, production, wire, photo. I think I'm the only one who can do that. But they're going to sacrifice a 10-year underpaid worker for a "deal" they made with two kids right out of college. I'm totally missing something here.

What's worse, she implied that when I filled in on the features desk, they must not have liked me. It doesn't matter that I'm way more qualified than the new hire. Or that I'm not the art director they said they decided to hire for that position.

I was whiny, I was angry, and I wasn't looking for anything, and I made that clear. But I could NOT sit there all night and steam about it; I had to finally let them know how I felt. I won't go out kicking and screaming, but I won't go out with a muffled whimper either! I have nothing to lose.

I really want to run away from all this, and I'm afraid my ex will now prevent that from happening.

I'm tempted to tell them I will be with them for another couple of years just so they don't go hiring more people for the position I haven't vacated yet. (Oh yeah, the boyfriend half of the duo was hired for our desk, and no position was ever posted, hmmmm.)

I do wish them the best of luck though. They are great kids and they will do well; I can tell by how our "design editor" coddles those he hires and neglects us old-timers who came before him.

A Peace is Missing

"One day you'll wake up in the present day
A million generations
Removed from expectations
Of being who you really want to be.

So as you push off from the shore
Won't you turn your head once more
And make your peace with everyone."

- Jethro Tull, Skating Away

My daughter's father is suddenly giving me a hard time about this interview in Pittsburgh. I can't tell you how many times he's told me that he's surprised I haven't moved home by now. Or that he's waiting for me to move so he can move.

But the reality is getting to him. He yelled at me so loudly today on the phone that I couldn't understand a word he was saying. He's been harsh and even nasty at times before, but never THAT emotional. I don't even know what he was saying, and I'm not sure I want to know. This has been an emotional decision for me too.

The interview is set for mid-October. I think he's going to take care of Zoe while I'm gone, though he seemed to fight me on it. He wants her to stay in Florida but he can't even watch her for a weekend that I'm out of town. Sigh. But I think he will.

I think once he calms down we'll work it out. It's not like it's a job offer, for crying out loud. And I still have other pursuits going on in the county, even at my company.

So far my family has been way more helpful and open to me coming home than I ever imagined. My father is the only one with doubts, and I abide by his advice almost religiously, but if he doesn't accept me, I have others willing to help, including an aunt willing to take the dog I didn't want to leave behind! But I think Dad will come around. He's the kind of guy that would get pissed if someone else in the family stepped up. I take that at face value though: I think he doesn't want to see me fail. And it's more than a fear of taking care of me, I think he might actually be proud of me. That, or he wants me to stay in Florida so he has somewhere to crash when he retires.

I have to say, the whole idea of watching snow fall by the street light, seeing neighbors working in the garden in the spring, having the chance to see leaves turn colors in fall, watching the baby skip through a sprinkler in the summer... it's all starting to really appeal to me. I would really love for my daughter to grow up like I did. She's got three cousins in my dad's back yard alone. Here in Florida, she has a paved back yard, warehouses next door and a Taco Bell out front. Year round. That's what we can afford, where the median housing price is $450,000.

And little family.

I just don't want her to miss her dad if we move. I know she could have a richer life outside of Lauderdale, but her dad wouldn't be there every day. I think I might even miss him a tiny little bit. I don't want her to be mad at me later if I make this decision, but I'm really really leaning toward it. I'm already purging junk from the apartment.

It's been a long time since I've been at peace. It will be a while longer before I have it.

Dreaming on

"Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye life, goodbye life

I miss that town, I miss their faces
You can't erase, You can't replace it
I miss it now. I can't believe it
So hard to stay, Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh"

--Nickelback, Photograph

I GOT AN INTERVIEW!!!

I got released from jury duty early today and came home to a phone message from one of the dozens of companies that I applied to.

It was the only company I hoped would reply.

The deputy managing editor of a publication in Pittsburgh replied to me directly. I'll be up there in a couple of weeks for an interview.

My dad wasn't so robust about the new development. I've been telling him over and over that I can't afford to live in South Florida, but he insists that I'll be worse off in Pittsburgh. I finally asked him to guess what the median house price in Fort Lauderdale was.

He guessed $110,000.

I told him it was $450,000.

I think I won him over.

With that revelation, I got a commitment from him and my brother to come help move me. I know I'm jumping ahead, but I gotta be prepared. I could have a two-week turnaround, and I don't want to be caught by surprise. I almost went out tonight in search of packing boxes, but I convinced myself that was bad luck. Not to mention heavy boxes are a bitch to shift around when mopping floors.

I'm already thinking about my weekend road trips, some to see South Florida replants in Chicago, DC, New York and New Jersey. We could have a reunion! At the beach, which will be eight hours away from the Burgh; No big deal since I live a mile from the beach now and see it three times a year.

OK, again. Ahead of myself.

It was a good conversation that I had with Mr. DME. What is most surprising is that when he called I recognized his name as the head of photography for that publication, but he has other duties now; it so happens he's also a superior of my best friend, who is a photographer there. My friend insists he still maintains a solid photography presence there, and since I have a minor in that maybe I can hold my own in an interview.

I'm a fan of getting this on my own merit, so my friend and I agreed to keep mum about our friendship as far as professionalism goes. Our pact behind the ant-covered garbage can in high school as the vice principal drove by with binoculars still stands.

She also informed me that we'd be kept best friends if I wasn't planning on living with her when I moved back. I agree. LOL Two 4-year-olds together = one unmanageable monster of a headache.

(Scheduled play dates, Smudge. At your house. Iron City is on me.)

Help Wanted

"It's all right
There comes a time
Got no patience to search
For peace of mind
Layin' low
Want to take it slow
No more hiding or
Disguising truths I've sold.""

-- Alice in Chains, No Excuses

I spent the first part of the week after "The News" feeling pretty good, like it was a new opportunity. But after people at work found out that I didn't have a day job (I guess it's generally known I'll leave the desk now) those that gave a shit kept coming up and telling me how sorry they were that I was screwed. So, the negativity crept in.

I am sad, and I am having anxiety attacks here and there, but nothing serious. I'm divorcing my company, one that I might like to come back to one day when I can continue a career that conflicts with young family life, maybe when I'm a millionaire and can afford to live in the area. I've sent out dozens of inquiries and applications and resumes and I have gotten only one hit -- from a nearby company seeking a freelance proofreader.

And I realize how specialized I have become as a newspaper page designer. I'm now plugged in to a hole and I've plugged myself into only two locations, so it seems 7-Eleven is looking like a decent job again.

Print news is going downhill... I should expand my horizons, but it has taken this mess to get me even really thinking about that. I'm a diehard newspaper person, don't get me wrong... in college 12 or 13 years ago, I was upset that papers were moving to four-color; yeah, you'd think I was like a veteran. I resisted the expansion of feature stuff and wanted papers sticking to news... my argument was always that we are a RECORD, forget TV and radio and online, newspapers are the news of record and we need to stick to that...

But I'm thinking differently at my ripe old age of 32. :)

It's not necessary for me to compromise my ideals to find a job: I just need to find a new focus. Web news? Here and gone tomorrow, same instant gratification! Magazines? There's time to grow and make great the material. There's a lot out there, I I think I'm finally turning the corner and seeing what I can accomplish. Without giving up the beloved deadlines that make us who we are.

I wish I had kept count of the resumes going out. There ain't nothing coming in. This cloud over me... it has to disappear soon. I have a Plan B, but it ain't much prettier. I can be happy I have a job for now. I can I can I can.

Jury duty in the morning.... fun, fun.

An old flame

"So I walk upon high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down
'Cause it's the world I know
It's the world I know"

- Collective Soul, The World I know

Well, my two bosses called me in the office today and asked about my custody issues, which have luckily been dragged out just long enough for me to hear that they'd be willing to give me references.

"Don't let the door hit you in the ass!"

I feel so lost. It's been so long since I've looked for a job. And doing it from 1,000 miles away seems ridiculous.

I got a list of names and addresses together and I'll be sending my stuff out this week. I said that last week but I've just felt so overwhelmed that I put it off. I did apply to a dozen places online here and in Pittsburgh, but I'm hoping I don't get bites here.

My boyfriend is giving me grief, I have jury duty next week and my company has written me off after 10 years. But this is where I have been for so long, it's hard to imagine being somewhere else. It would be different if I didn't have my daughter, but I'd be ripping her out of everything she knows too.

The sooner the better probably. I can fall in love with a new place. I can I can I can. :)

Oh, wait, it's an old place. It's like a reunion.

It's home. I have to remind myself of that. It's home. I wanna go home, right?

Shaking it up

"The problelm is all inside your head
She said to me.
The answer is easy
If you take it logically.
I'd like to help you
In your struggle to be free.
There must be 50 ways
To leave your lover."

- Paul Simon


I got back from vacation and there's a jury summons mixed in with all the junk mail.

This whole Katrina mess in New Orleans has me riveted. I've given money to almost all the minor disasters in the past, and I just don't have the cash now. I think of people on their rooftops waiting for rescue, and I don't have two dimes to rub together to give them, and it kills me to no end.

My daughter just started a preschool; it's $120 a week, and I'm supposed to split it with her dad. It's impossible for me, but he is insisting. I don't know how I even let him corner me into enrolling her in the Harvard of preschools. What the hell!

Again, no cash; I can't even help anyone who really needs it. I'm eating soup out of the can and whatever stale bread I have in the fridge. I actually had a dream about tasting dog food. (And liking it.) I don't know if that would save money because i buy them the good stuff. Even though I don't have two dimes to rub together.

My dad: "Well, you have one dime at least?"

Yeah, I have one. One lonely dime.

At my company they cut out a few more people. And one of my favorite people quit.

Just like that.

I am starting to look at my job as just a job. Which is OK, I guess, even after 10 years. But it's still hard to just pick up and go to somewhere else. People do it all the time. Just hop on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan.

I think my worst fear is going from bad to worse. But really, it can't get too much worse here. Jury duty? Hahahahahahaha. If I'm lucky, I'll be disqualified because I am living elsewhere by Sept. 28. In reality, I'll still be struggling with the same stupid ass custody and job issues. I know my dad would take me with semi-open arms, so it's painful to stay. It's just as painful to go and leave 10 years behind.

Don't need to discuss much. Just get myself free.

I (heart) the Big Easy

"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?"

-- Cold Play, Fix You

Holy Katrina.

I have continued to be completely absorbed by the coverage of the aftermath of this storm. New Orleans was, in fact, my favorite place on this earth. It's not that I've visited a ton of places, but it was a place I always dreamed of visiting as a child, and I'm glad I got the chance.

I can't believe the bitty hurricane that brushed our peninsula went on the be so fucking shitty to our hurricane-receiving counterparts. I can't believe it wiped out one of the most unique and historic towns in my country.

Don't get me started on government response. I could start a whole new blog on that, but it's been done.

My heart, it aches. This city, these people... It's never going to be the same again. I'm having nightmares, and I cry when I read coverage or look at photos of the devastation. Small towns, wiped out. Cities, gone. Businesses, jobs, families, all ripped away. And we fucking saw it coming and then sat on our asses wondering what to do about it.

I didn't ask about the day job right away because of Katrina, but late the following week I did. The response was not overwhelming there either. My boss pretty much told me that it wasn't looking good. I have a ton of theories, but the fact that after a year of begging and pleading for a day job has left me with nothing, I'm pretty much on my own.

Still, I feel lucky.