Don't know where I'm going

"I don't know where I'm going. I just want to be left alone. Where this train ends, I'll try again . . . Tuesday's gone with the wind. . . Train roll on. Tuesday's gone."

-- Lynyrd Skynyrd


Last Tuesday, my boss' boss and his boss promised me I'd know something by the end of the week about whether I had a chance at this daytime job I've been pursuing. For a year.

It's the following Tuesday, and I've heard nothing.

Every time I've asked about it this past year, anticipating my need for this job, my boss has told me: Oh, we have until next September.

Or: We'll let you know something by the end of the week.

Over and over.

I'm kind of sick to my stomach.

I knew it would pan out this way, down to the minute. What kills me is that I promised myself if I didn't have a commitment from work by June, I would start looking elsewhere. Wouldn't you know it, in June, all the rumors started to heat up and things looked promising. So I went with it.

The rumor mill has been absolutely dry for the past month.

I spent Sunday in bed mostly, realizing my time has come and feeling sorry for myself. I felt better Monday. It's Tuesday, I'm a mess again, but I'm good. I'm a mess, but I feel like peace is coming to me, like I've reconciled this whole thing.

I've been with this company for 10 years. Almost my entire adult life. No, it's not a crisis to have to leave, despite my fascination with loyalty. In fact, I've had so many reasons to leave this city. BUT I LOVE MY JOB.

I can't even afford to live in this city, and the school system sucks, which is one of the major reasons I want to leave, to get my Pre-K daughter into a better school system. To have her grow up in a better environment. And to be able to save money and maybe buy a house somewhere affordable and have a great life away from the excesses of Fort Lauderdale.

I love my job. But I'm trying to leave it anyway. So why don't I just move back home???? Why am I so scared to make that move?

I've always been an adventurer, in relationships and life... and yet I can't bring myself to leave what I have here with an organization that would forget about me the minute I walked out the door and boarded the moving van.

But it's what I've built of my life since I left college.

It's time. I think. I have to stop thinking I'm running away from something, and I have to believe I'm heading for something better.

God, let me be brave.