How did I get here?

"I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone,
Why I'm a stranger in my own life."

-- Every Day is a Winding Road, Sheryl Crow



About 20 minutes into our counseling session today, I took of my engagement ring and declared that I had had enough.

Part of me wanted to slide it across the table at him, but luckily I had the peace of mind to place it on the table in front of me. After all, since he was the first one to declare HE had had enough, that might constitute breaking off the engagement. I have all the intention in the world of keeping that ring. If he insists on having it back, I'll offer to sell it and split the cost with him.

I'm going to be a little angry for a while, even sad. I'm going to have a baby by myself and I think I'm entitled to be a little bitchy about the fact that he led me up to the open gate only to close it behind me. But my goal is to let it all go and focus on the positive. I don't have to spend any more sleepless nights wondering when he'll start talking to me again. I won't have to worry about how much worse things will get between us with the added stress of a newborn in the house. I won't have to feel cautious about enjoying the good times, just waiting for him to clam up and retreat again as I wonder what it's all about this time.

I came to the conclusion that I just don't understand what makes this man tick. He seems to have it all figured out though, and I have to pay for what anyone in all of his 52 years has done to him. God, I hope I'm not like that when I'm his age.

I'm going to take a few days and just mope. Then I'll decide what to do next. I'm already feeling stronger. I actually smiled just a little while ago when I thought about being allowed to live under the same roof as my dogs again. Ah, freedom.

I keep looking around me wondering how I let it get this far. I wonder where the hope went. I wonder why I don't feel more relieved.