Why my house is spotless right now

"You would cry too
If it happened to you."

-- It's My Party, Lesley Gore


I had a dream last night that my dad threw me a block party, and I didn't want it. I kept avoiding everyone, and he kept nagging me to spend time with the guests because they were all there for me. I kept excusing myself and kept trying to find my boyfriend (some lanky kid I knew in grade school, and the party was in my childhood neighborhood), but the lanky kid kept saying he'd be back, and I kept chasing after him each time I saw him.

But he kept walking away, calling over his shoulder that he'd be back.

I remember being so upset in the dream, that I told my family that no one was ever to have a party for me again until my funeral. I was never the kind of person who wanted to be the center of attention, never wanted a big wedding, never even wanted a birthday party.

There were all kinds of games going on at the block party, so I'd pretend to join a game, but my heart wasn't in it, so I'd just wander off. Actually, no one was really paying attention to me anyway. Even my dad stopped nagging me after a while.

At the end of the dream, I was calling for my dogs. They were running around the neighborhood, and strangers who heard there was a party in the neighborhood began showing up to crash. I could see my dogs near the edge of the woods up the street when I began calling for them, and when I saw a few young people in a speeding car, I stopped calling them, for fear they would get hit. But the dogs looked up and spotted me anyway, and came running.

Very quickly, Sarah got caught in the back wheel of one of the cars, and her head came off. The car stopped, and I stumbled over, I couldn't look, and I just dropped to my knees at the front of the car and began wailing.

All this party crap that I didn't want, and now my dog was gone. The driver of the car had gotten out and was kneeling and crying next to my dog, but I couldn't go over and see her. I couldn't. I just wailed, but no sound was coming out of me.


It was a very weird dream, and it stuck with me all day.


Tom told me Friday that he might have cancer.

Again.

And he's been pulling away ever since.


I clean a LOT when I'm upset.