Turmoil

I am going to get married. Again.

About a month ago, Liam and I got engaged. It wasn't the traditional surprise, down-on-one-knee episode. We were talking about related stuff, and it just came up, and we agreed.

I think I caught Liam off guard. He mentioned to me that he didn't think I was the slightest bit interested in ever marrying again. And… I wasn't. And I'm not.

But the facts are, Liam is one fucking hell of a guy, and if I pass this up, I will never EVER get this wonderful of a man in my lifetime EVER again. I know this. This is a fact. If I could even begin to explain the hurt we've been through together (not because of each other) and the challenges we have faced (we have four children and three custody orders to contend with), it would take forever to type it all out.

We suffered through a lot of shit, side by side. And we've come out on the other side(s). Our evenings are no longer consumed with who's lawyer said what, who gets what kids tomorrow, when the next court date is. It's over, and it's all been over for a while, and we have been enjoying life, as it is, for the most part, without conflicts completely out of our control.

We have been talking about moving in together, and at one point, Liam mentioned he thought it would be best if we were married if that were to happen. In hindsight, I think that was the first time I was a little bit taken aback regarding any discussion we would have about our relationship.

At the time I balked, but I thought about it a lot, and weighed so many fucking things it was ridiculous. And so there we went, getting all engaged en'at.

But now we are getting into sticky stuff that I had no idea would be sticky. I didn't plan to take his last name. I don't want one, single, joint bank account. I don't want to give up my bedroom and sleep in the living room.

He is reluctant to sell the house that a peripheral relative gave him to settle his divorce. He doesn't want to talk about a timeline for moving forward. He doesn't seem eager to put a ring on my finger.

I think…. and this is just off the top of my head… I will remain committed to the idea of it all, but for my sanity's sake, I'm going to have to put it all out of my mind. Worry less about when it's all going to happen, why it's going to happen.

Disengage.