Final countdown

"Since you been gone I can do whatever I want.
I can see whomever I choose.
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant,
But nothing, nothing can take away these blues.
`Cause nothing compares,
Nothing compares to you."

-- Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O'Connor



I have been looking forward to this weekend in a bittersweet way... both my children will be elsewhere and I can finish my Christmas, er, holiday shopping. I can hang with my friends, I can run around unfettered. I can mop floors without waiting until some ungodly hour. Hell, I could get drunk if I wanted!!

But tonight as Zoe lay dozing in bed, I was washing her clothes and packing her things for a weeklong stay at her dad's. They are leaving at 5 a.m., and I am sadly counting the minutes until they pull out of my driveway.

I'm glad he came in early today and spent the night, because I think Zoe had some apprehension at the last minute, despite her excitement leading up to this big trip. They are romping around like old pals. Like two children, actually. :) I sound like a drill sergeant compared to her dad.

I know they will have a great time. But I already feel like I'm missing a limb. As I packed Zoe's things tonight, I found myself rearranging shirts with pants, switching out white socks with her favorite funky ones, wondering what her dad will think of the hot pink undies she loves so much. He may never even see them... she has become a modest young lady since he's last seen her, and while she was showering tonight with him here, she actually closed the bathroom door.

So I remembered to pack her robe. And while she seems so grown-up all of a sudden, I pulled down out one of her favorite baby blankies and tucked it in among her things. And then I started writing love notes and finding pictures to pack in her bags.

I decided that maybe this would make her miss Jacob and me too much, or be seen as some sort of sabotage, so I settled on one letter to her that wished her well with Daddy and Joy, that I hoped Santa would bring her great things while she was in North Carolina, and that I already missed her.

Very, very much.