The honeymoon is over
"I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadows.
If I fail, if I succeed, at least I live as I believe."
-- Greatest Love of All, Whitney Houston
I came home from work last night and fell asleep. I was exhausted! Going to work takes it all out of me.
When I woke up, Joe was feeding Zoe dinner. He seemed irritated, but when I asked him what was wrong, he told me nothing. In his passive-aggressive way, he did little things all night that were designed to irritate me, but he still denied anything was wrong. We ended up watching the Steelers game in separate parts of the house.
After the Steelers tanked, I went upstairs. Joe was already asleep, with the TV and the lights off. I got ready for bed and climbed in. And, he woke. And left for a while. When he came back upstairs, he was fuming about a missing flashlight. "It was in the basket in the bathroom. Where did it go???"
"What do you need a flashlight for?" I asked him.
"What does that matter? If I put something somewhere, it should stay there. No one needs to be touching my stuff."
I knew where he was going with this, but he didn't quite go there. He was pissed because Zoe made off with his flashlight. But he had been pissed about something all night. It couldn't be the flashlight.
"Well, put your stuff where she can't get to it if you don't want her touching it," I said. He had already rolled over and pretended to sleep.
The longer I laid there awake, thinking about it, the more pissed I became. Since we moved back in with Joe about a month ago, things were relatively good, but for the past week he's been badgering me about Zoe left and right, about her behavior and her appearance and the number of toys she has... everything. And he'll say disparaging stuff about her right in front of her. The more I laid there and pieced all this together, the more angry I felt myself becoming. So, knowing we had a counseling appointment the next day, I got up and slept in Zoe's room with the intention of letting it all go until I got to the appointment.
And I did. I fell right to sleep, and I spent my morning avoiding thinking about the whole stupid flashlight thing. This.... may have been a mistake. Had I thought about it more, I might have been able to frame a rational discussion in my mind for the counseling session, but instead I found myself going in with guns blazing.
I just didn't realize how fucking MAD I was about it. And I left there even madder.
Joe sat there and said that Zoe never listens to him. I countered: He doesn't speak to her directly, but instead asks me to correct her. Or he speaks to her so quietly that she doesn't even hear him. Literally. Or he'll say shit like, "There she goes again," instead of actually talking to her and telling her what he expects from her.
He complained that I don't back him up when he does correct her. Which is a flat-out lie, because at our last session I was charged with providing support when he corrected her, and I have, without hesitation, even when I didn't agree with him. Then the "discussion" (i.e. me yapping hysterically while Joe sat smugly claiming he was right on every point) turned to why I don't agree with all his rules. OH. MY. GOD. Because if we followed all his rules, Zoe would have to behave like a robot.
Hey, I'm the first to admit I'm too lax on my kid. But the other day, he wouldn't even let her sit on the couch because "she might jump on it." And you know what? I backed him up when he told her not to get on the couch. And I waited until she was out of the room before I asked him what the hell he was doing. In the counseling session, he claimed all his rules were in the best interests of Zoe's safety. What the fuck ever. How about the best interests of her self-esteem??
Here's an example of my rules:
1. Nothing except water goes in the mouth after brushing teeth before bed.
2. No kids near the stove unless closely supervised by an adult.
3. All dirty clothes must go in the dirty laundry basket.
Here's an example of Joe's:
1. No children are allowed in the bedroom or the study.
2. Zoe is not allowed to touch anything in the house -- including the walls -- except her toys.
3. At no time are bare feet allowed outside and then back inside without thorough disinfecting.
As you can see, we have slightly different parenting styles.
In the counseling session, Joe also told me that my sister had quizzed him about whether Zoe listens to him. He used that as evidence of my mediocre parenting: "See, even your family thinks she's out of control." When I called my sister tonight to complain, I asked her about it. She laughed and said he did in fact ask him that, but more because Zoe seemed to have no interest in Joe, nor Joe in Zoe in her observations. She said she was trying to get a feel for the relationship between them. Or the lack of one.
I felt like I got nothing out of the session today, except that I realized how much this stuff had been bothering me. I stated more than once that I felt like Joe was backing me into a corner with his ultimatums on how I handle Zoe in regard to the rules he wants set and enforced, especially when 1. I don't agree with most of them and 2. he isn't willing to "look like a bad guy," as he says, and try handling his wants himself. But considering I spent most of the session barking and swearing and yelling, I'm not sure if my communication was at all effective.
We have another appointment in a week. So far, 12 hours after this one, we haven't spoken a word to each other.
It should be a fun week.
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