Life spent

"This could be the saddest dusk I've ever seen
Turn to a miracle, high alive
My mind is racing as it always will
My hand is tired, my heart aches
I'm half a world away here
My head sworn to go it alone"

Half a World Away, REM



I was a little depressed today and stayed in bed until the afternoon. I got up and started dinner and was bored and didn't want to unpack anymore.

I just kept telling myself: I'll learn my way around town, It will be my city again, I'll get my own house, My job will be great....

My family is just short of falling all over themselves to help me... and I hate to impose, and when I tell them I'm looking through a service for a baby sitter they are appalled...

That I wouldn't turn to them I guess. I want to and I feel bad. I haven't been there to help them for 15 years, and I never expected them to help me. But this past week, I was reminded a lot about why I miss my family.

I can't possibly be self-sufficient for some time and I'm so very very grateful; I should be all warm and fuzzy inside and I AM, but I'm sad because ... just that ... oh Christ, I don't know. That I even left in the first place? I missed so much, so many births and weddings and new homes. The local convenience store (where I used to work) started ordering my favorite stuff already. Today I got a Christmas card from an old neighbor who learned I was in Pittsburgh!

DAMN. To say Pittsburgh is a big family is like an understatement. My brother Rob said he didn't fill some prescription because his wife is friends with a girl who got the same prescription from another person who could get it to him for free. People here just help each other, for free, no strings attached, you ask and it's done.

Why am I depressed? I ask myself too. 10 years of Florida has made me so skeptical and cynical and tough-skinned compared to the people here. And I don't know my way around, and it's no myth that Yinzers give directions by what used to be there: "Remember where the Isaly's used to be?" No, I don't remember. Did I ever know?

I grew up in Pittsburgh. Or did I? Somehow I think I missed out on a big part of growing up here by not being here as an adult, skipping 15 years of changes. Half my life.

Spent well though. Spent very well.

And I miss Mom. I didn't think that I'd think about her so fucking much.

Happy Turkey Day!

NOTE: OTHER PREVIOUS ENTRIES TO BE ADDED AS TIME ALLOWS; LIVE ENTRIES BEGIN HERE, Gobble gobble.
"When are you going to come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the phone
I should have listened to my old man."

--Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Elton John

Great Thanksgiving. Got caught up with family. Didn't see my daughter most of the night... in fact, I was the only one of my cousins who kept checking on the kids. Dammit, I had a childproof family here all along!! :)

I was ironing tonight when I hit a brick wall. It's hard to explain.... and it had nothing to do with Thanksgiving I think... but maybe it did, having all that family in the same place at once....

My dad threw me a couple of his shirts to iron, and I used to iron his crap all the time in high school, after my mom died, or maybe my mom made me do it before she died, that would be like her, LOL, I just don't remember... I don't know. You can see where this is going.

SHIT. I was just ironing this stupid shirt of my dad's and I haven't ironed seriously in ages, and then all of a sudden a Cult song is playing on my computer and I break down and I don't even know why, and at first I'm thinking it's because I used to be good at ironing and now I suck. Then I remember my first potential boyfriend was Brian Zahler and I don't even remember how I met him and I never really liked him and I know I've never been to his house but my parents used to tell me he traveled a long way on his bike to see me.... well, he gave me a Cult tape. I remember him playing it for me on my radio that was plugged in the driveway one summer while I was washing my dad's cars.... and he came to see me once when it was icy out ... like it is now...

I still have it. That Cult tape Brian Zahler gave me. I was like, 12 or 13. I remember thinking I'd like to marry someone higher up in the alphabet so I could sit in the front of class (being a Z myself). LOL

Shit like this is flooding back. In bits and in waves.

I feel like such an outsider here.

I don't even remember how to iron en'at so good. Geez o man. I need to find me an ice scraper fast. I'm hating this.

My dad told me tonight to go back to Florida if I hated it so much. I just might! I start work on Monday; it better be a damn good job for me to stay.

"Understand the things I say
Don't turn away from me
Cause I spent half my life out there
You wouldn't disagree
Do you see me, do you see
Do you like me, do you like me standing there
Do you notice, does anyone care."

Ode to My Family - The Cranberries