Football

"The weekend comes to this town
Seven days too soon."

-- Let It Rock, Bon Jovi



Every week I pick against the Jets now. I loved Favre until he pulled this stunt. Everyone I tell this to argues with me that he was soooooo wronged.

He made "Something About Mary" tolerable. I'll give him that. But his legacy is tarnished, and I don't think too many people can argue with that. What was he peddling in that commercial where he was tossing a ball across the lake with his family on the farm? Well, I'll never buy THAT again!

But the Steelers... WELL.

In the spirit of fans, I offer this Tuesday morning quarterback commentary: Wees wernt lookin so good dare for a while, den ben pict it up an den wees wint to o-ertime, en dat team wees wuz playin punnid back to us, an wees got dat feeld gowl.

There's something about Reed.

I wish I got a picture of Jacob watching MNF. He was all settled in, pointing at the TV, and got pissed when a commercial came on. He's my boy!

Hear dat

Zoe: It says "Made in the USA." Finally!! Something not made in China!

From urbandictionary.com

8. pittsburgh

A drinking town with a football problem.

"So what if we won ugly?" - Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher

More definitions of Pittsburgh from Urban Dictionary.

Just another day at school

It's pretty sad that the shock value of school shootings has worn off since Columbine. It's pretty sad when news stories about school shootings can include many grafs about past school shootings.

What is with young people these days???? I'm afraid sometimes to let my kids out of the house.

See the news video here.

And so it begins...

A coming of age

Molly: Do you like Dora?

Zoe: A little. Do you?

Molly: A little.

Zoe: She's always, like, "Where is the forest?" And it's right behind her!

Molly: Yeah! She's like, "Where is the banana?" And it's right on top of her!

Zoe: Like she can only look side to side!

Dis + able

"Paranoia, paranoia.
Everybody's coming to get me.
To say you never met me.
I'm running underground with the moles
Digging big holes."

-- I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well, Lit



Have you ever had a really bad headache, so bad that you just want to turn off the world? Or hit Control-Z until you get back to where you were before the headache started?

I think I have now gotten my medications worked out. I've cut out the majority of them, and added a few supplements. I have been pretty stable for well over a week.

But somehow, I keep waiting for that headache to come back. It's like I am lying in a dark room staring at the ceiling, not convinced the end has passed.

The end hasn't passed, since I'm not completely off the Zoloft. But things have leveled out, and for that I'm very grateful! My joints have been fucked up since the car accident, and I walk like I constantly have to pee. I can just imagine someone at work directing a new hire over to me: "Go see the girl who sits at the far right desk. The one with the blond hair."

New hire: "Oh, you mean the disabled one?"

It's a bitch turning 35.

The good news is that my blood pressure has been awesome: 128/80 at my last visit. And in spite of my irregular gait, I'm not in any severe pain. All of this has the potential to resolve itself, and for now, I am happy with the status quo.

I have other issues to deal with, such as Zoe's health scare and the renewal of Jacob's custody battle, that will take the forefront before I attempt to readjust my meds again. But I am very pleased with where I am now, and I don't want to do anything that will restart the headache.

Lost & Found

Me: He has a dream, and he's chasing it. I guess he's been trying to find himself.

Liam: The thing about trying to find yourself is that, in the end, you've been there the whole time.

Whipping up a storm

"Memories may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget."

-- The Way We Were, Barbra Streisand



We finally got our power back today after it went out during Sunday's Steelers game. Shortly before halftime, the remnants of Hurricane Ike zoomed through.

When I resided in Florida, I lived through downed trees, replacing fridge contents every six months, no AC for weeks at a time and battling impatient motorists at dead intersection signals. I had even missed a game or two of televised Steelers games because of hurricane traffic.

BUT THIS IS PITTSBURGH, DAMMIT.

What now?

I have an appointment Wednesday with my doctor... I hope we can find a way to manage my physical symptoms of withdrawal. I have been feeling better, but I'm not even half way there, getting off the meds.

Today, I dumped all this on my therapist. Therapist? I don't even know what to call him. When I started seeing him, he was an EAP counselor contracted out of the local rehab facility. He has since earned his PhD and started teaching university classes, and I was his first official private-practice patient. Today I was the first to dump on him in his new office. I'm so proud of him!

I really do feel like if I wasn't this guy's patient, I could invite him over for a cookout. I ran into him parking on the street on my way in to my appointment and helped him carry up accessories for his new office. On my way back out, I plopped a quarter in his meter.

But this guy also pisses me off, and we had a near shouting match about what was best for Jacob. Joe got a new job, and the insurance crap with me and Joe is out of hand. Dr. J and I talked a lot about it, and my withdrawal symptoms on top of that, and when my hour was up, I walked out of his office just wanting to get away from him. I didn't want to hear any more about Joe's control streak, me falling for the "bait," or Dr. J's gung-ho decorating ideas.

But one thing he said that stood out: Now that I have fucked with the seratonin in my brain, I may be having panic attacks again.

Nonsense, I told him.

But tonight I paid attention to my body. I got cramps in my back like I used to. That feeling in the pit of my stomach was back. Jacob wasn't with me, and when I caught myself picking up after him or thinking about him eating some store-bought dinner, at times it felt like the breath was knocked out of me.

And GODDAMMIT didn't I pick a terrible time to try to get through this. A month ago I was convinced I could stop the therapy and get off the meds. Now I feel trapped.

Always curious

With-drawing conclusions

I was chatting with Aimee today about my lively and active withdrawal from Zoloft and the myriad symptoms I was having on an unpredicatable rotating basis. Today I added severe indigestion and random twitches to the list. I vaguely remember while sleeping last night my arm twitching so violently that I almost smacked myself with it.

And the dreams. My dreams very vividly incorporate my everyday life to the point where I tone down my days as much as I can so I don't have to relive anything weird at night. Some people report these as hallucinations, saying they have the same lucid experiences while they are wide awake. Some say the twitching can be so bad they can't drive.

I guess I'm lucky.

Aimee seemed livid that I'd settle for feeling lucky. "Didn't you know about the side effects??" she demanded. "Didn't your doctor tell you???"

"A bottle of Advil has a list of side effects just as long," I told her, "and you don't necessarily get them. The thing they don't tell you about Zoloft is that you are very likely to get ALL OF THEM."

I was basing that on pure speculation, so, I looked up the side effects of Advil tonight:

The most common side effects from ibuprofen are rash, ringing in the ears, headaches, dizziness, drowsiness, abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea, constipation and heartburn. NSAIDs reduce the ability of blood to clot and therefore increase bleeding after an injury. Ibuprofen may cause ulceration of the stomach or intestine, and the ulcers may bleed. Sometimes, ulceration can occur without abdominal pain, and black, tarry stools, weakness, and dizziness upon standing (orthostatic hypotension) due to bleeding may be the only signs of an ulcer. NSAIDs reduce the flow of blood to the kidneys and impair function of the kidneys. The impairment is most likely to occur in patients who already have impaired function of the kidney or congestive heart failure, and use of NSAIDs in these patients should be cautious. People who are allergic to other NSAIDs, including aspirin, should not use ibuprofen. Individuals with asthma are more likely to experience allergic reactions to ibuprofen and other NSAIDs. Fluid retention (edema), blood clots, heart attacks, hypertension and heart failure have also been associated with the use of NSAIDs.

That's a pretty comprehensive list. I've never gotten any of that from Advil, have you?

It was much more difficult to find such a comprehensive list of side effects for Zoloft on the internet. I have a printout of my drug literature, but it was not nearly as easy to nail down the same complete list through many medical sites. I finally found this though:

Side effects may include Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, loss of appetite, increased sweating, drowsiness, diarrhea, upset stomach, or trouble sleeping may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these unlikely but serious side effects occur: unusual or severe mental/mood changes (e.g., agitation, nervousness, suicidal thoughts), decrease in sexual ability (ejaculation delay), decreased interest in sex, uncontrollable shaking (tremor), unusual weight loss. Tell your doctor immediately if any of these highly unlikely but very serious side effects occur: easy bruising/bleeding, persistent nausea/vomiting, severe stomach/abdominal pain, black stools, seizures, change in the amount of urine, dark urine, vomit that looks like coffee grounds, yellowing eyes/skin. This medication may rarely cause a very serious condition called serotonin syndrome. The risk increases when this medication is used with certain other drugs such as "triptans" used to treat migraine headaches (e.g., sumatriptan, eletriptan), certain antidepressants including other SSRIs (e.g., citalopram, paroxetine) and SNRIs (e.g., duloxetine, venlafaxine), lithium, tramadol, tryptophan, or a certain drug to treat obesity (sibutramine). Before taking this drug, tell your doctor if you take any of these medications. Serotonin syndrome may be more likely when you start or increase the dose of any of these medications. Seek immediate medical attention if you develop some of the following symptoms: hallucinations, unusual restlessness, loss of coordination, fast heartbeat, severe dizziness, unexplained fever, severe nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, twitchy muscles.

This is actually what the drug company itself boils it down to on the official Zoloft web site, in their FAQ section:

What are the most common side effects of Zoloft?
Some people taking Zoloft might have some side effects. The most common Zoloft side effects are dry mouth, insomnia, sexual side effects, diarrhea, nausea and sleepiness. Not everyone gets side effects.

NOT EVERYONE GETS SIDE EFFECTS? Oh, maybe if you count that 1 in 100,000. Because a lot of message boards out there show that "brain zaps" and "electric shocks" are pretty common lingo in the weaning circles, as are "REM disorder" and "shivers and shakes."

And these are the side effects from GETTING OFF THE DRUG. Nothing in my literature mentions that the listed symptoms are actually withdrawal symptoms. I felt pretty good while actively dosed. Now I feel like I should be in a in-patient methadone clinic getting off some REAL drug, strapped to a bed with leather restraints while three husky, pale nurses in starched white uniforms hover over my sweating, contorted, writhing self telling me in sing-songy voices that everything is going to be ok.... "Just hold still a moment... this will only hurt for a second...."

MenTaL HeaLtH

"My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed,
Dried up and bulging out my skull.
My mouth is dry, my face is numb.
Fucked up and spun out in my room.
On my own... here we go."

-- Brain Stew, Green Day



Before I first split with Joe, I hired my lawyer. I remember sitting in his office on that first consultation telling him, "Oh, I'm sure Joe will be reasonable. I want Jacob to have both of us."

What ensued was more than a year of Joe topping himself in the asshole department almost daily, and I was stuck with a custody arrangement I offered before I realized what a prick he really was.



It wasn't long after the fireworks erupted that I was funneled into therapy and given prescriptions for Xanax and Zoloft. I readily accepted my fate of having a pseudo-friend to talk to every week because my family and friends would only tell me what an asshole I was for hooking up with Joe in the first place.

Family: Everything is your fault.
Pseudo-friend/therapist: How could you have known that you just met the devil in disguise?

Fast-forward 15 months later... the custody stuff has been resolved, I have a house, I belong to a school district, I get an email from Joe once a month, if that, and it's usually him covering his ass about something like a prescription he had filled for Jacob after I found out about it and picked it up.

When I started the Zoloft, the goal was to get off it as soon as I didn't need it anymore. "Remember what you feel like before you start taking it," the therapist told me. And I did, every day.

The anxiety lately is down to a minimum, and I want to get back to where I was before I even met Joe.

I put it off, but last week I actually started halving my pills, with my doctor's consent. I HAVE BEEN SPIRALING EVER SINCE.

I know this is a temporary condition. When I started the medication, I was told I would be "maybe a little jittery for a week." I felt like I had an IV of caffeine hooked up constantly for three weeks.

But it went away, and I know my current withdrawal symptoms, which are almost quite the opposite, are probably just as fleeting. And worth it, to have been able to SANELY go through months of separation anxiety while I weaned my son rapidly and faced having no idea where or how the boy was 50 percent of the time or more.

Not to mention trying to figure out why Joe sent me emails wondering why there wasn't a better word than "cunt" to describe me or why he told my lawyer he hoped he got a staph infection from all the gay sex he must be having.

But now, I'm confident I am immune to all that, if not safe from receiving much of that kind of vitriol at all for a few years at least. But a week into this withdrawal process, I feel like I'm cramming for a test. Like every little thing I was able to ignore is now magnified. But I tell myself it's better to have it all flood through at once rather than have it dragged out for the past year and a half.

I feel fatigued to the highest degree. It seems the glands in my neck are so swollen that the pain shoots up through my jaw and into my ears. I'm gaining weight, sans appetite. When I eat, I feel sick. I can have diarrhea and constipation AT THE SAME TIME. Ain't that fun.

I'm hot, then I'm cold. Then I'm hot again. Sometimes I'm dizzy. Other times I'm dizzy. But I'm OK if I'm sitting down. If I'm not dizzy.

I can't sleep well. Yet I can't nap.

If I do nap, I'm asleep for half a day.

I got my period early, but remarkably, there are no cramps. However, my body decided it's time to lactate again. Strange things are afoot.

My concentration is OK, but it feels like a quarter of my brain is hollowed out, and that I'm aware I'm making up for it. I get done what I need to get done, but there's no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction. At the same time, nothing anyone else does is good enough for me. There is no real joy, but there is no real sadness either.

I can't cry, even when I read something sad. My eyeballs feel like they are coated in dust.

There was a time (several times, actually) when I first started the Zoloft that I wanted to quit because getting started was so very... painful. It was doing the opposite of what I needed. And I have to remind myself now of the same thing.

Even if it feels like my soul just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute.

Because somehow my head knows I won't let it hit the ground.

Lucky number seven

Zoe gave a whole new meaning to Labor Day! We celebrated her seventh birthday this weekend.



The kids painted and played in the pool. I think the adults may have had more fun playing with and putting together kid toys.





Joe wouldn't let Jacob come to the party, so we had to wait until today to let him eat cake.