A little too much

"How the hell'd we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see there's something we'd missed?
And try and turn the tables
I wish you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late."

-- Nickelback


The streets were cleaned up fast after Katrina, but not many of the traffic lights are working still. It's amazing that in two days you can get used to stopping at every intersection, even if you have a green light. I was thinking that the blinking lights aren't so bad: While it's fight for your life at some bigger intersections, the stop and go at smaller ones actually gets me places faster when there aren't downed ficus trees blocking the road.

The only problem is when you travel into the unknown. Then you have to REALLY pay attention because the lights are out and those broken intersections just creep up on ya, even in broad daylight. And if you aren't familiar with the area... well, I've seen quite a few fender benders.

Winds have died down. Gusts and rain here and there. Bye Katrina. New Orleans, I'm saying a prayer for you.

The job hunt is still on, if not postponed. I'll never make my deadline, with this hurricane crap. My daughter's birthday party is tomorrow and my brother is coming the next day to visit for a few. I'm back to work for three days then I'm on vacation for a week.... a REAL vacation for once. This has all been, well, stressful. A break from routine is great once in a while, but all this at once has me feeling upside down. I wasn't ready for all this at the same time!!!

I wonder if the places I applied to think I'm running from the hurricanes, LOL. They probably laugh in my face remembering the last time they slid down a Pittsburgh hill in the snow sideways thinking, "This might be it. I hope that guardrail is not weakened by the last fool that slid along it." But I wanna go back so so bad and don't mind sliding along a guardrail. I have an uncle who does body work. ;)

Tomorrow I will go in search of a supermarket for party things... many grocery stores still don't have power and those that do have little food because much has spoiled. I guess if it comes to it, I'll order pizza delivery. If I can find a local pizza place with power....

Life is like a hurricane

Good men through the ages
Tryin' to find the sun
And I wonder
Still I wonder
Who'll stop the rain?

-- Creedence Clearwater Revival

I was driving to work tonight with my almost-4-year-old in the back seat, and she kept telling me my windshield "washers" were too slow or too fast. The rain and wind was squally and it was tough to see at times. Then she asked me to just shut off the rain. :)

I've been putting off asking and bugging the bosses this week about the job because we had a hurricane suddenly pop up out of nowhere.

It hit tonight, came and went. It's funny reading these stories we write about how it "hit" here and "didn't hit" there. A hurricane is hundreds of miles across!!!! Yet they say where the eye lands, that's the equivalent of the epicenter of an earthquake I guess. We didn't have too much damage... enough I guess. I had to pick up my daughter after work tonight and I was tense the whole way home. There's no power in most places, so the streets were very dark and I'd say 70 percent of the traffic lights were dark and 20 percent were blinking.

People here have become remarkably polite during hurricanes lately. Perhaps that's because Florida has been hit by six in the past year, and we finally got the etiquette down. Still, I was scared on my ride home with the baby. Since so many of the signals were dark and there were no street lights, I really couldn't tell I was coming upon an intersection until the last moment, and these are streets I have traveled well, most days, for 10 years.

No one bothered to put up shutters... it wasn't like the ghost town of past hurricanes. It was scheduled to be a Cat 1, and it was no more than that. Turns out the thing was supposed to hit north of us (all the yucky weather was in the south of the storm) but it took a jog to the south at the last moment and I guess we were spared something, I dunno what. It was a sissy storm compared to others I have been through. It threw my lawn chairs around the yard, I guess that's one thing I can bitch about. And there was a downed tree in the road I thought I wouldn't be able to get around, but I managed to.

I was at work the whole time during the storm. I was offered the day off but went in anyway. Hey, it's a Cat 1, what am I afraid of, right? Well, we had one of our budget meetings in the conference room that is on the ninth floor on the outskirts of the building. I would realize later that this particular budget meeting (I had at least two previous meetings to this one in the same room with no remarkable circumstances) was right about the time the damn hurricane was landfalling. It was early evening but it was so dark outside we could see our reflections in the glass windows. The glass windows THAT WERE BREATHING IN AND OUT AS IF THEY WOULD BURST AT ANY MOMENT. My editor seemed kinda jumpy about this too, and when I pointed out that debris was flying about at nine stories up, he seemed more nervous, and at one point we all stood up for the remainder of the meeting. As if that would buy us time running and screaming from shattering panes of glass.

It was either that or get under the conference table I guess.

So anyway, that explains where I am with the job thing.

I probably had a small window of opportunity to jab the bosses about it at the beginning of the week, but I wasn't about to bring up my personal crap when all of the state was threatened with death and destruction, LOL.

This week I applied at two places though... both in Pittsburgh... and sent out a letter of interest via email here and there for stuff I found on the Internet. I don't know what is drawing me back to Pittsburgh so much. I guess I'm thinking, now is as good a time as any.

(Happy birthday, mom.)

Don't know where I'm going

"I don't know where I'm going. I just want to be left alone. Where this train ends, I'll try again . . . Tuesday's gone with the wind. . . Train roll on. Tuesday's gone."

-- Lynyrd Skynyrd


Last Tuesday, my boss' boss and his boss promised me I'd know something by the end of the week about whether I had a chance at this daytime job I've been pursuing. For a year.

It's the following Tuesday, and I've heard nothing.

Every time I've asked about it this past year, anticipating my need for this job, my boss has told me: Oh, we have until next September.

Or: We'll let you know something by the end of the week.

Over and over.

I'm kind of sick to my stomach.

I knew it would pan out this way, down to the minute. What kills me is that I promised myself if I didn't have a commitment from work by June, I would start looking elsewhere. Wouldn't you know it, in June, all the rumors started to heat up and things looked promising. So I went with it.

The rumor mill has been absolutely dry for the past month.

I spent Sunday in bed mostly, realizing my time has come and feeling sorry for myself. I felt better Monday. It's Tuesday, I'm a mess again, but I'm good. I'm a mess, but I feel like peace is coming to me, like I've reconciled this whole thing.

I've been with this company for 10 years. Almost my entire adult life. No, it's not a crisis to have to leave, despite my fascination with loyalty. In fact, I've had so many reasons to leave this city. BUT I LOVE MY JOB.

I can't even afford to live in this city, and the school system sucks, which is one of the major reasons I want to leave, to get my Pre-K daughter into a better school system. To have her grow up in a better environment. And to be able to save money and maybe buy a house somewhere affordable and have a great life away from the excesses of Fort Lauderdale.

I love my job. But I'm trying to leave it anyway. So why don't I just move back home???? Why am I so scared to make that move?

I've always been an adventurer, in relationships and life... and yet I can't bring myself to leave what I have here with an organization that would forget about me the minute I walked out the door and boarded the moving van.

But it's what I've built of my life since I left college.

It's time. I think. I have to stop thinking I'm running away from something, and I have to believe I'm heading for something better.

God, let me be brave.