Getting closer

"I lean against the wind,
Pretend I am weightless,
And in this moment
I am happy happy."

I Wish You Were Here - Incubus



Bob chastised me today for not writing in the blog when I was happy. So, I guess I have to update it: I am happy!

He's not exactly right... I have so much to write about but I am so very tired all the time. There was one day last week when I slept in until about 10, came home from work and threw Zoe in the tub and went back to bed. I actually almost felt like myself the next day. Only a little tired.

I am at 35 weeks... for those like me who can't do math, that's five weeks away from popping out this kid. (I actually had to have the doctor's receptionist count this for me.) Because of the high blood pressure, I have to go once a week for a non-stress test to monitor the baby. They strap me to a machine that registers the heartbeat and movement. I'm supposed to help by hitting a buzzer every time the baby moves, but I tend to lie on the table and promptly fall asleep.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Work has been.... not so good. I came dangerously close to quitting several times. Coupled with the fact that I hadn't lifted a finger to prepare for the baby, I was really feeling close to just falling apart. So last weekend I made Joe go to Baby Depot and we bought nearly everything we needed. It made me feel like I had at least that little bit under control. Of course, when we got home, I realized I hadn't bought a single blanket and very few clothes.

Which was OK. The very next day, my family threw me a surprise shower, and most of what they gave me included clothes and blankets. Woo-hoo! But the shower also helped me feel a little bit more like I had it together. I really wasn't expecting it: They all created their own elaborate ruses to throw me off, and I really believed I was headed to a home interiors party. (And I was feeling so detached from everything that I was actually HAPPY to be going to a home interiors party!) Even a cousin from Maryland and my aunt from Gettysburg came in for the shower.

It's hard to get over on me; I can't believe they pulled it off. One of my aunts made blankets for the baby and Zoe and towels even -- and little tiny washcloths. I was just stunned by all of it. When I came home and spread out all the stuff on the floor, Joe commented on how happy I was. I was. I am.

For the first time, I felt like I was ready for all this!

Joe and I ditched the counseling, and things have been great ever since. I think the reason why there's been so much improvement is because we stopped hoarding stuff when we got upset. Before we wouldn't talk and instead save up the problems, and then we'd just go unload all this shit on the counselor. Now, it's quickly out with it and over with. We haven't fought once since the last appointment. A few days after that appointment, he told me he had rented a truck to move some of our furniture around... and I was confused. Why? Zoe and I would be leaving. That led to a conversation about the bigger picture we were facing and how we wanted to handle things....

And how much we really loved each other and wanted to get this bullshit back to good.

I don't know what to say or think about all of this. I don't know if things will stay happy or get worse again before they get better. But I do know that he makes me laugh from my gut and takes care of little errands that I forget to even mention and I love it when I can feel him watching me when he thinks I'm sleeping. Of course, he may be plotting to get an ax from the basement and finish me off, but I'd like to believe that he just gets the same kick out of us enjoying the hell out of each other.

I'll update more soon. I have photos I haven't figured out how to get onto my new laptop to post: Zoe in the pumpkin patch, on Halloween, the wacky weather here....

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.