Time

Ain't got no regrets.
Ain't losing track of
which way I'm going.
Ain't gonna double back now.
-- Lou Gramm

I just took off the last of the babyproofing latches. And I started bawling! It's hard to believe Jacob is going to be 4 in a month.

I guess I'm done hitting the snooze button on the biological clock. Which is strange, because:
1. I never really thought I'd be a good mom before I had kids.
2. I just spent a horrible day with four kids who walked all over me.

Yeah, I love 'em all. But it's really something to suddenly realize that procreation days are over when you never really planned on them meaning so much.

The results are in...

Bad news comes, don't worry even when it lands
Good news will make its way to all them plans.
-- Modest Mouse

The tests are clear! I can't say the process of getting the good news was pleasant, but I am assured my boobs will live on. :)

That's one less thing for me to worry about. On to the next.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is OVAH!

I don't know about you, but I like some of the quirky stories that come out of October. And the unique places that pink turns up. I'm not so keen on seeing pink on my NFL players, though. I think it's cute for about two weeks, then… I dunno. I'm glad they stick it out, but seeing that pink mixed with gold and green and maroon… Not visually pleasing!

But…. the month of November has begun, and what should we be looking forward to now? Thanksgiving… Black Friday… Fall… Winter coats…

I get to look forward to my first mammogram next week!

Today, my doctor found a lump. It is significant enough that I should have found it myself. Self-check, ladies! I have been through this before, 10 years ago, so it's not unfamiliar territory. I was much less educated then, and much more hysterical.

Life hasn't been too kind to me lately, healthwise and financially. My oldest is not doing so well in school. My fiance is off on a fishing trip with his friends. My pumpkin seeds turned out a little soggy. But this lump… this was a blow I didn't see coming. I cried a little here and there on the drive home from the "find." And then I let my daughter help me cook dinner without once getting impatient with her.

I always thought my liver or my lungs would be the first to go. Never did I think it would be my boobs!

Anyway, I didn't have many options in the way of venting, so I thought I'd shoot something out on the neglected blog. Posting via Facebook seems to be a little too much like broadcasting to an audience I know in order to get sympathy. Posting here has always felt more like a private diary published for people who give a shit enough to check it once in a while.

I am hoping this turns out OK, and odds are that it is nothing. Like I said, this is not my first rodeo. Before I had kids I had a run-in with a lump in the other boob, and it turned out to be nothing. But being that this is a whole new set of doctors from the ones I had then, and ones who seem even more panicky than the first set, I think I might have to see this through, and thoroughly.

Next Tuesday, I have a date with a boob-squishing machine!