The skillet was invented, then someone invented 10-minute skillet meals. The microwave was invented, and along came microwave meals. The slow cooker... now there's crock pot meals in the supermarket.
But, is this not the most ridiculous product you've ever seen?
I mean, if you are too lazy to nuke a hot dog and put it on a bun yourself, or HAVE THE FORESIGHT to buy both products separately, you really don't deserve to be eating.
As you may or may not have read here, I lost my bed shortly before leaving Florida. To a hurricane. A bed that State Farm would not reimburse me for, because I didn't have flood insurance. Even though no flood took my precious bed.
OK, I've said in the past I'm not bitter. I lied. But now, I'm really not bitter!
I spent way too much on this beauty, but consider that I will sleep on it for, say, 20 years, and that I spend eight hours a day on it. It comes out to, I dunno... pennies a day to sleep on this sucker. And after this weekend of pure blissful sleep... I would say having the equivalent of another car payment is worth it.
FUCK YOU STATE FARM!!!!
Because the average mom can't cut bangs straight.
She's been walking around all week like this!
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD-LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
You will be safe; I'm just e-mailing to say goodbye.
I don't use the word "delightful" too often. In fact, I can't remember ever using it. But at some point this evening, I was working in the kitchen and I looked out the window into the back yard, and it was like a million little shooting stars were darting through the yard.
It's firefly season!
I would swear that this was suddenly the first night these buggers were lighting up the yard like a Christmas display. I'm sure I would have noticed them before. And nothing says summer like chasing around lightning bugs in your jammies and pink cowgirl boots, so I found myself outside wandering around the yard with Zoe, soaking it in like it was the first twinkling snow of winter.
When I lived in Florida, we rarely saw fireflies, and even last summer here, I was so excited to show Zoe how to catch them... but I was disappointed that they weren't in abundance like I remembered from my youth. But seeing how we live out in the boonies now, I guess that's were they have all flocked, and I think every one of them was in our yard tonight!
We pranced and we danced and we spied the bugs and made friends and sent them on their way. Zoe squealed and laughed and it was just like how I remembered it being when I was a little girl.
It was... how do you say... DELIGHTFUL.
Just magical.
We had a relatively important news story in Pittsburgh today involving five children who died in a fire. All morning the editors were buzzing... "F-ing this, f-ing that" into their cell phones. Photographers are dispatching, reporters are on the phone...
The bossman comes around the corner from his office today... and in a very pressing tone, announces to our department: "DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TEENAGER THAT WAS ARRESTED FOR KILLING THE DOG?"
We stare at him blankly. The dog?
"The one found in the washing machine?" Bossman says.
Actually, I had recently surfed... er, I mean, RESEARCHED that article. "Yes." Please don't let that be the lead for tomorrow, I am thinking.
"Well, do you know what the name of the dog was?"
Oh I get it now. Lucky?
"Fluffy."
Bossman took off around the corner before getting the reaction. He always does that. And it's probably just as well.
Zoe and I ran to Home Depot tonight and made it inside just before it started POURING outside. As opposed to pouring inside. We got some more plants and some other crap I had my eye on: BUG SPRAY.
I am so sick of smooshing spiders and pincher bugs. Hello Ortho.
Zoe had to pee, and while we were waiting for it to stop raining, we found the bathrooms. And then when we were finally leaving, "Mom, I have to poop!"
Oh brother.
We were five minutes from home, so I insisted she make an effort to not unleash in the car. She seemed fine, so we stopped at the bottom of the hill from our house for some takeout BBQ. This was The Best BBQ I have ever tasted, and I'm not even particularly fond of the stuff. Neither is Zoe, she just wanted mac 'n' cheese, but she ended up eating her chicken and digging into my pork.
And... then remembered she had to poop. No sooner had she settled in, she started shrieking. "Mommy, Mommy, Mommmmmmmmmmmmmy!"
I thought I knew what was coming: there was a bug in the tub or a spider on the ceiling... but I was really unwilling to part with my pork and deal with bug guts. "What?"
"Come look! My poop is GREEEEEN!"
Zoe's dad bought a house in North Carolina. We've been talking lately about him seeing Zoe more... the drive will be about eight hours away from Pittsburgh, give or take.
I am excited about this! I think Zoe might be a little bummed, since Daddy won't be near the beach like he used to. But I'll let him deal with that.
The interesting twist here is that Bob has a girlfriend who is moving to North Carolina with him. I'd guess they've been dating for six months or so, and she's taking the leap... I give her a lot of credit. I haven't met Joy, nor has Zoe, but she's going to embark on this journey with Bob...
GOD HELP HER.
Bob is pushing for me to meet her. Which is fine. I mean, I have to, right? I'm that bitch she thinks about as she goes to bed some nights, wishing I didn't exist. Bob says she's jealous, but really, Zoe and I are just the unknown. I'm sure once she meets me and realizes I couldn't care less about her or her stepmom potential, she'll be fine. And once she sees what a great kid Zoe is, maybe she'll even be a little happy that Bob is capable of producing such lovely offspring.
I swear, when Bob and I first broke up, I thought, NO OTHER WOMAN WILL EVER HELP RAISE MY CHILD. Five years later, I'm thinking, "Will some other woman PLEASE GET THIS CHILD OFF MY HANDS for a couple of weekends a year and make sure Bob doesn't let her guzzle paint out of a five-gallon bucket?"
Not to mention, Bob has been there for me through so much lately, practically cheering for me through my pregnancy with Jacob when no one else did, so this is not a big favor for him to ask, to meet this poor soul who has fallen in love with him.
I just wonder what I would say to her. "Don't worry, the thought of me ever having sex with your boyfriend again completely repulses me." Or as Bob puts it, he and I love each other, "but we can't stand each other."
Or maybe I'll take her aside and just tell her to never let Bob grow his hair long again. It gets all stringy and greasy and it's not very becoming on him. Or I'll tell her, yeah, it's unusual that Bob and I get along, sorry you didn't get to experience one of those crazy biological moms...
OR....
I'll tell her that if she has kids with him, to get a PROFESSIONAL to install all the safety latches if she can't do it herself. To demand that Bob keep all the power tools out of reach... as well as the caulk guns. And the garbage bags.
And urge her to get Bob to call Zoe more often.
She misses him all the time.
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