I am broke.
I love my future husband.
Snow is better when it is not so cold out.
I wish I could afford to put shade plants all the way around my house.
Steelers suck. Pens, not so much.
Foreign cars cost too much to repair.
Good food is a luxury sometimes.
There is no such thing as an honest plumber.
I hope Tom doesn't die.
That is all.
I am going to get married. Again.
About a month ago, Liam and I got engaged. It wasn't the traditional surprise, down-on-one-knee episode. We were talking about related stuff, and it just came up, and we agreed.
I think I caught Liam off guard. He mentioned to me that he didn't think I was the slightest bit interested in ever marrying again. And… I wasn't. And I'm not.
But the facts are, Liam is one fucking hell of a guy, and if I pass this up, I will never EVER get this wonderful of a man in my lifetime EVER again. I know this. This is a fact. If I could even begin to explain the hurt we've been through together (not because of each other) and the challenges we have faced (we have four children and three custody orders to contend with), it would take forever to type it all out.
We suffered through a lot of shit, side by side. And we've come out on the other side(s). Our evenings are no longer consumed with who's lawyer said what, who gets what kids tomorrow, when the next court date is. It's over, and it's all been over for a while, and we have been enjoying life, as it is, for the most part, without conflicts completely out of our control.
We have been talking about moving in together, and at one point, Liam mentioned he thought it would be best if we were married if that were to happen. In hindsight, I think that was the first time I was a little bit taken aback regarding any discussion we would have about our relationship.
At the time I balked, but I thought about it a lot, and weighed so many fucking things it was ridiculous. And so there we went, getting all engaged en'at.
But now we are getting into sticky stuff that I had no idea would be sticky. I didn't plan to take his last name. I don't want one, single, joint bank account. I don't want to give up my bedroom and sleep in the living room.
He is reluctant to sell the house that a peripheral relative gave him to settle his divorce. He doesn't want to talk about a timeline for moving forward. He doesn't seem eager to put a ring on my finger.
I think…. and this is just off the top of my head… I will remain committed to the idea of it all, but for my sanity's sake, I'm going to have to put it all out of my mind. Worry less about when it's all going to happen, why it's going to happen.
Disengage.
OK.
I haven't written in a long time, mostly because of summer and the opportunity to spend more time with my kids.
As the seasons have changed, I think I've gotten more and more down about the weather. Which is weird, because I prepared myself for this and planned all kinds of indoor projects. Mostly stuff leftover from last year, but a few new things.
Transition is tough for me, and I'm afraid I have a lot more of it in my life than I expected. The kids get home and want to go outside and whine because it's too dark. At work I went through a big redesign that seems like it is never going to end. I had to reconnect with my lawyer recently because of custody crap. And I discovered Joe is looking for a house in my school district, which means there's not a whole lot of leg room for me to argue for custody when Jacob starts school. I know he's doing it for this purpose. It's going to be worse than I thought, the coming years.
This summer has been a great one, though. I wish I could make it carry over to the fall.
I was hoping to get off the Zoloft over the summer, but it never seemed like the right time. And feeling so depressed now, I know I can't do it. Not now. It's not that i'm not happy. I have plenty to be happy about.
But I'm UNhappy.
I fucking hate feeling like this.
There was one day over the summer, when Liam and I were on our way to a wedding of a friend... we were late getting there... we took the wrong exit and overshot our destination by miles... and by the time we got there, the wedding was over.... I was so pissed at him about it... LIVID... we had been dating about a year and a half... it was the first time we had both been dressed up for an event... and we missed it... i was beyond livid....
I think about this day often. It was the day I fell madly in love with him.
Which changed my life so much. But ugh... to plan a future, to talk, to chat, to plot.... the rest of my life... the rest of our lives....
I want to slow down. I want to hurry and up and get going with it. I want to miss him. I want to be with him. I want to talk about my feelings and I want to forget I have feelings. I want to believe in everything and I want to realize the reality of it all.
I was so idealistic as a youth, and it did nothing but hurt me. Is it ironic that I try to conjure that up now? When it really could hurt me most?
I REALLY don't think that Liam would (or could) hurt me at this point. But we are at a stage/age in our lives, and with kids that are begging to be siblings, and it is hard to decide and harder to decide what it is that we should be deciding. So very much to consider.
I want to take it slow. And get on with it already.
The kids on the spillway.
The salamander that the kids named "Buddy Jr."
Jacob takes a hike with me and Liam.
The fishergirl.
Zoe watches Jacob try to rip a root from the ground while we gather kindling.
The girls went to a nature program and made me walking sticks for my birthday.
Once Jacob decides it's OK to get dirty, he loves tossing rocks into the water.
On the walk back from the beach.
Jacob snacks at Aunt Roberta's cabin.
Cousin Chris and Uncle Jerry.
Liam unhooks a fish for Jacob.
A view of the lake on our walk back to the cabin.
Cousin Matt caught a crayfish.
Jacob on the boardwalk.
The kids on the way to the dam.
Jacob chopping wood.
Looking for elk.
My kids weren't around much this month, sadly. (Bwahahahaha!) Zoe took a trip to see Aunt Kelly for a week. The last week of July we went camping. I'm working on posting those photos. I know, you're holding your breath. Just shut it. :)
Hollyhock
Harvest from the garden
View while getting my car fixed
Behind the gas station
Dad and me, Hofbrauhaus
Ummm, the two bigger beers are mine. Of course.
Saw a rainbow over Dad's house
Got home and found my own!
He was born June 12. My second nephew. I'm mum on the name. As any good aunt should be. :)
I spent a much-needed day off on the Yough today.
Makes me think hard about how I can fit in more of these kinds of days!
I will probably continue blogging sporadically throughout the summer. I bit off more than I can chew around the house this spring! I will be updating photos more regularly as soon as I can get my hands on some decent photo-editing software.
ASIDE: It occurred to me today that both me and my best friend of 20-plus years both like to fish. Yet I don't think either of us have ever seen each other with a fishing rod in hand. Odd.
I've been a little busy. Sealing the deck, installing the veggie garden, getting out the patio furniture, etc. I still haven't gotten my computer back up to speed (re: I have no photo editing software!) so I've been a little out of touch with the blog. I have tons of photos to share, so I need to remedy that soon. I'm still in anguish over all I lost when the drive crashed, but I'm slowly coming to terms with it and taking more photos to make up for it! (One should be lucky that I can't post the photo of Zoe puking all over the bathroom!!)
In the meantime, my latest sinus infection is kicking my ass, and the Pens are about the kick the Red Wings' asses. So it all balances out.
Here are a couple of (unedited) pics to tide over my guilt for lack of blogging. We have had a great couple of months, and I'll fill in the blanks soon. Hope those on Facebook will catch up with me there.
Shortly after my last post, I was syncing my phone, and my computer just signed off. So long. It's not you, it's me.
I want to blame it on Zoe playing Webkinz, or some electrical problem in my house that MUST be under my (expired) warranty, but really, I'm a freaking dumbass for never backing up my files. All drives will fail, and I am yet another idiot that ignored all the suggestions to back up as I shut down programs, thinking I would get to it tomorrow.
All my photos from the past three years, gone.
Zoe's spring concert. Campfires in the back yard. Jacob's first Easter. Vacations and Christmases and everyday things. Jacob BEING BORN.
All gone.
I'm taking a little solace in the fact that I can possibly recover the pictures... to the tune of roughly $1,000. It is worth it to me, really, the next time I come across that kind of cash. It's not a long shot, it's actually something I WILL do. But for now, my dining room picture frames will remain empty, a project I've been slowly working on, and I'm going to hurry and fill them with shit just so I don't have to look at them every day and think about what an asshole I am for NOT BACKING UP MY SHIT.
This was really devastating to me. I've cried and imbibed quite a bit to survive the loss of three years worth of my kids' childhoods. I've got my computer back, a clean slate, and it's going to take some time to get it back to where I recognize it. Lots of rehab. And if I can never get those pictures back, I'll have some years to think up the perfect excuse when my kids ask about first grade. Or being born.
My old drive was named "SWeet." My new drive is "SWeeT SuCCeSSoR." Never again will I go a week without saving my precious memories.
I suggest you back up your shit, NOW. And if you have a few photos of my kids from the past few years, please send them along. :(
Jacob seemed to like his football. I wanted to get him a real one, but I didn't want him to get frustrated. (ERRRR, I MEAN, NICE CHOICE, EASTER BUNNY.) Zoe pretty much whined throughout the day about how everyone else on the planet got more and better stuff from E.B. than she did. Ahh, to be 7 again and have such pain and torture.
We hit up Aunt Roberta's for some free food and candy. Zoe is in disguise with her Christmas dress, totally throwing everyone off.
Then we stopped by Liam's and Mom tried to crash. I really, really tried. Hard.
In a rare act of volunteerism that led me to remember why I'm not into volunteerism, I took on all four kids for a Saturday. I had not a moment to myself, not even a few minutes to run down and do laundry, which was all I wanted to accomplish. I really wasn't asking a lot. I'm talking LAUNDRY.
But..... sometimes it takes a day like this to make me slow down and realize what I have.
A brood of four self-centered children with appetites of truck drivers.
I sent them to the park every time they asked for a snack:
This was AFTER I gave them a gourmet lunch:
And finally Liam got off work and we took care of the Easter Bunny:
And after grass stains and raviolis, my laundry doubled. It would be nice if the Easter Bunny took care of it.
The quarantine in our house has been lifted!
Ever since I found out the dead raccoon we found in October had rabies, I have had to endure a lot. The Department of Agriculture got involved, and they sent over a field officer who thoroughly GPSed the site of the carcass, gave me three whole printouts on rabies that I had to read, and forced me to tape a piece of paper to my front door that concerned pizza drivers everywhere. It was hell. And it's finally over. Because, GOD, those periodic visits took up five minutes of my month, easy.
The web site 419eater is really jaw-dropping. If you haven't heard of it, give yourself some time to check it out. These are people who turn the tables on the near-illiterate idiots who send out emails asking you to help them get their hands on millions of dollars in exchange for a cut of the profits. The "scambaiters" who post their results to the site get these scumbags to do amazing things with the promise that it will get them rich quick. It's terribly entertaining, and it makes me want to try it!
If you have a little less time, I updated my sites list to the right for some quick hits.
I have been planting flowers in the front yard for the past two summers that we've been in the house, but this year, we are trying something different: SEEDING.
Some are seeds that I ordered, others are seeds we took from the plants in the fall. My goal is to keep it under a hundred bucks this year, instead of the few hundred I have spent on the past summers. And it has been keeping us busy!
There is one flower bed in the front that I have never planted... in the fall we ripped out the yucky plants and transplanted the good ones. We now have an 18x11 foot bed to plant veggies in this year! We are doing beans, tomatoes, cukes, peppers, Brussels sprouts, watermelon, pumpkin. Not all of it is going into the bed, but we are anticipating a lot of potted veggies and some failures, so it will be a fine summer regardless. We have done a lot of planning for planting.
We finished edging the bed tonight, and in the next few weeks we will build a wall out of all the river rock we dredged from the dirt. There's a lot of it, so much that I need to build the wall soon to get the pile of rocks out the garden-to-be.
The garden bled into the yard a little, so we had to pull up some grass, which was happily transplanted to bald spots in the back yard. Here, Zoe helps with the effort:
While Zoe's new thing is gardening, that should last only a few more weeks until all the neighbor kids are out again on a regular basis. Jacob's new thing is cooking with Mom. He loves to help, watch, eat, make a mess. Here's a shot of him on my laptop, which wouldn't happen under circumstances where I didn't have three burners and an oven on all at once:
I can't wait until summer. CAN'T WAIT. But I'm glad spring is here, and I'll take what I can get!
IT'S SNOWING.
I should say something witty here, but I really didn't believe that nasally weather guy.
We were sitting at Benihana tonight, and the first thing I noticed was the woman to my left. I noticed mostly because she kept stepping on my foot and bumping into me, asking me to move my plate over and nearly grabbing my glass to drink from. But she seemed to spend most of the meal observing me. It was more unusual than awkward or annoying. Every time I had her in my peripheral vision, I could catch her watching me or glancing at me. I thought maybe it was because her dining partner was on the phone the entire time, so she was bored, and possibly had poor vision and couldn't see much beyond a few feet??
When I got home, I realized I hadn't rubbed in all the foundation on my left cheek.
I was walking around like that all day.
Liam was telling me the other day about his experiences with his newfound love for Mass.
He was using words like "sermon" and "communion" and "the God, Jesus, Holy Spirity thing."
It's been a long time since I've been inside a house of God (and I'll capitalize God just so some political faction doesn't come after me next time I run for president), so he had to re-explain to me the Abraham story. The name rung a bell, but in case you don't follow, God asked him to sacrifice his son for blah blah blah blah. I'm not sure why Abraham agreed to it, but he did.
Liam asks, "What if God was drunk when he asked that, and the next day he woke up, and thought, SHIT, I didn't think he would actually do it!!"
We were drinking and playing pool at the time, so I'm not sure if Liam was looking for me to really answer that question.
Which is good, because as soon as he began this whole conversation with, "When I was at church," I was immediately focused on trying to re-repress memories of Sister Mary Marie Maria, and how I made up excuses to go to the nurse just to get out of class. Among other things, she used to tell our fifth-grade class to drink Pepto or milk while having a little wine.
Even in my younger years, the thought gagged me. Now, I wonder, why waste the money on booze if you're going to snuff out the undeniable wonderful effects in exchange for a belly that doesn't know which end is up?
I'm sure Sister MMM is long gone, but I'd like to think she would still be advising fifth-graders to think before they drink. And I'm here to pass that message along.
Jay Leno: Mr. President, I must say, this has been one of the best nights of my life.
I have been a little worried about my health lately. For the past couple of weeks or more, I have had some pretty serious fatigue. I blamed it on my meds, the time change, the kids.... nothing has really changed in life except the time, and the fact that I have more light after work completely thrills me. The kids and I take full advantage of the later sunset.
There is not a whole lot weighing on me that wasn't weighing on me a week ago... so I don't know what's going on. Being awake is torture to me at times.
???
I always have news to post, but it seems I can't stay awake long enough to....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I'm worried about Zoe too... she has passed her heart evaluations, but she still has the symptoms of racing heartbeat. I fear we are turning into a couple of hypochondriacs. I want to be proactive, but I've been so damn tired.
It's hard to be a hypochondriac with no energy.
I have a physical scheduled. Hopefully they'll just find something they can lop off and make me normal again.
The bulbs are coming up. Spring is here.
We spent the day outside riding bikes and getting our spring on!
I warned the kids that this would not last. I had a hard time convincing them that after 70 degree weather, we would probably still see snow before spring.
Still, Jacob got his pink on:
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