Madly, truly

OK.

I haven't written in a long time, mostly because of summer and the opportunity to spend more time with my kids.

As the seasons have changed, I think I've gotten more and more down about the weather. Which is weird, because I prepared myself for this and planned all kinds of indoor projects. Mostly stuff leftover from last year, but a few new things.

Transition is tough for me, and I'm afraid I have a lot more of it in my life than I expected. The kids get home and want to go outside and whine because it's too dark. At work I went through a big redesign that seems like it is never going to end. I had to reconnect with my lawyer recently because of custody crap. And I discovered Joe is looking for a house in my school district, which means there's not a whole lot of leg room for me to argue for custody when Jacob starts school. I know he's doing it for this purpose. It's going to be worse than I thought, the coming years.

This summer has been a great one, though. I wish I could make it carry over to the fall.

I was hoping to get off the Zoloft over the summer, but it never seemed like the right time. And feeling so depressed now, I know I can't do it. Not now. It's not that i'm not happy. I have plenty to be happy about.

But I'm UNhappy.

I fucking hate feeling like this.


There was one day over the summer, when Liam and I were on our way to a wedding of a friend... we were late getting there... we took the wrong exit and overshot our destination by miles... and by the time we got there, the wedding was over.... I was so pissed at him about it... LIVID... we had been dating about a year and a half... it was the first time we had both been dressed up for an event... and we missed it... i was beyond livid....

I think about this day often. It was the day I fell madly in love with him.

Which changed my life so much. But ugh... to plan a future, to talk, to chat, to plot.... the rest of my life... the rest of our lives....

I want to slow down. I want to hurry and up and get going with it. I want to miss him. I want to be with him. I want to talk about my feelings and I want to forget I have feelings. I want to believe in everything and I want to realize the reality of it all.



I was so idealistic as a youth, and it did nothing but hurt me. Is it ironic that I try to conjure that up now? When it really could hurt me most?

I REALLY don't think that Liam would (or could) hurt me at this point. But we are at a stage/age in our lives, and with kids that are begging to be siblings, and it is hard to decide and harder to decide what it is that we should be deciding. So very much to consider.

I want to take it slow. And get on with it already.