Life spent

"This could be the saddest dusk I've ever seen
Turn to a miracle, high alive
My mind is racing as it always will
My hand is tired, my heart aches
I'm half a world away here
My head sworn to go it alone"

Half a World Away, REM



I was a little depressed today and stayed in bed until the afternoon. I got up and started dinner and was bored and didn't want to unpack anymore.

I just kept telling myself: I'll learn my way around town, It will be my city again, I'll get my own house, My job will be great....

My family is just short of falling all over themselves to help me... and I hate to impose, and when I tell them I'm looking through a service for a baby sitter they are appalled...

That I wouldn't turn to them I guess. I want to and I feel bad. I haven't been there to help them for 15 years, and I never expected them to help me. But this past week, I was reminded a lot about why I miss my family.

I can't possibly be self-sufficient for some time and I'm so very very grateful; I should be all warm and fuzzy inside and I AM, but I'm sad because ... just that ... oh Christ, I don't know. That I even left in the first place? I missed so much, so many births and weddings and new homes. The local convenience store (where I used to work) started ordering my favorite stuff already. Today I got a Christmas card from an old neighbor who learned I was in Pittsburgh!

DAMN. To say Pittsburgh is a big family is like an understatement. My brother Rob said he didn't fill some prescription because his wife is friends with a girl who got the same prescription from another person who could get it to him for free. People here just help each other, for free, no strings attached, you ask and it's done.

Why am I depressed? I ask myself too. 10 years of Florida has made me so skeptical and cynical and tough-skinned compared to the people here. And I don't know my way around, and it's no myth that Yinzers give directions by what used to be there: "Remember where the Isaly's used to be?" No, I don't remember. Did I ever know?

I grew up in Pittsburgh. Or did I? Somehow I think I missed out on a big part of growing up here by not being here as an adult, skipping 15 years of changes. Half my life.

Spent well though. Spent very well.

And I miss Mom. I didn't think that I'd think about her so fucking much.