Rude awakenings

Joe and I had our first official legal proceeding today... in front of a hearing officer to determine child support. It was what you might expect... he didn't exactly nickel and dime, but he was argumentative and belligerent. His lawyer was annoying as all hell.. probably more than he was.

We were stuffed into a cubicle, and we turned over all the documents about income and expenses. The hearing officer took these numbers and plugged them into his computer and came up with what Joe owes in arrears, what he must provide to me for support and day care.

I have to say, I was very pleased with these numbers.

And I have to say, Joe was not.

So, for the next hour, while I was paying my lawyer a gazillion dollars for that hour, Joe played out every scenario that could happen with day care, tried to alter the medical insurance "status quo," ran through numbers about tax returns. He didn't speak to me much if at all, but addressed my lawyer and kept referring to me as "your client."

It was all... rather... like I was witnessing this while hovering above. I couldn't believe I was sitting there doing this, when only a few months ago I was thinking about marrying him.

Or thinking better of it, really.

In the end, we all signed some document, and then when it was done, Joe abruptly turned to my lawyer and said -- and I'm going to try to quote this word-for-word but I think I was so stunned that I'm bound to be a little off -- "You're shoes are old, you really need to get a new pair. And you walk funny. And I'd stay away from the homosexual sex because it... it doesn't do well with you."

It was complete incoherence (my lawyer is married with five kids and walks fine, though I did notice his shoes were a little worn), and we all sat there in silence a moment, then my lawyer said, "My shoes are fucked up because my feet are fucked up."

And Joe didn't miss a beat: "Well you have fucked up shoes. I hope you get a diaper rash. I hope you stay away from homosexual sex, because you'll get a diaper rash."

And I guess by that time.... my lawyer realized what he was dealing with? He said, "How am I doing to sleep tonight? My feelings are so hurt."

I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry. I was inclined to cry. I was inclined to crawl into a hole in the floor and be anywhere but there.



After Joe and his lawyer left, I asked the hearing officer, casually, smiling... "Do you go home at night and pour yourself a stiff drink after dealing with this crap all day? Or is it like entertainment for you?"

And he said, "Yours is a special case. They are not all like this."