Hope sucks

"You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost."

-- Bad Day, Daniel Powter



Joe and I rode to the counseling session together in near silence. I kept thinking that he might pat my knee or take my hand, but he didn't. I tried to joke with him a little, but he didn't take the bait. He's all seriousness these days.

The place we went to was tucked behind a shopping center and doubled as a rehab. There were a few people drinking pop and smoking on the steps to the entrance, and I had a strong hunch they were there for their own brand of counseling. Joe knew one of them and paused to say hello.

Sabrina came to greet us; she seemed really kind. She led us down a dirty hallway to a room with dirty chairs and threadbare carpeting and faded pictures hanging crooked on the walls. She had me sign a bunch of papers and then she quizzed us a little. She asked about the pregnancy and I told her I was at the beginning of the second trimester.

"Oh, me too," she said.

I was surprised, but it didn't occur to me until later that Joe might have been shitting himself.

Only 35 minutes into the session, I looked at my watch. It felt like hours had passed. There were no real surprises, except when she asked me what I liked about Joe. I couldn't think of anything. Every time I started to say something I thought I liked, I'd finish the sentence with a "...but..." I finally told her that I was too mad to think about that right now, and that everything I liked was now called into question.

I could have told her a bunch of stuff I didn't like, but, not surprisingly, she didn't ask.

Joe said a lot of nice stuff about me. I think the worst he said was that I treated him like a dumping ground for my problems. I didn't look at him much while we were in the office, but I could see him glancing at me a lot.

Sabrina prescribed a date and suggested we go on it before our next appointment.

We scheduled another session for next week and left. I thought Joe might put his arm on my back as we walked across the parking lot, or hug me before he opened the car door for me, but nothing. We were almost back at the office before he asked me if I found the session "satisfactory." I couldn't say that I had. I actually felt rather drained and down.

At work, the skies clouded over and the lights flickered throughout the afternoon. It was threatening some serious rain. I got an email from Joe asking me to find a sitter for Sunday. As I was packing up to go home, he came to my desk and told me to be careful driving. It was the first time he made his way over to my desk in weeks.

I watched him walk all the way back to his office. For some reason I wanted to follow him, but I went home.