Maybe, maybe

"His heart beat faster and faster as Daisy's white face came up to his own. He knew that when ke kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete."

-- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald


I kissed Joe tonight.



This turn may seem sudden, but to me, it was a fucking endurance challenge.

On Wednesday, the emails began in earnest. The "conversation" between us went so slow in real time but in four days I went through so many emotions and edited myself so much that I didn't have much time to think about the big picture or speculate about where this was all going.

I was stealing time with a computer every chance I got to see what he had to say next. I was sometimes replying off the cuff but mostly I found myself trying not to alienate him. At one point he asked for my trust.

"Where do you suppose I get some of that?" I wrote back.

"It's earned," he wrote.

What I wanted to write and what I actually wrote varied. "And I'm supposed to just give it to you?" is what finally found its way to his mailbox after much cursing and backspacing on my part.

Yesterday and today we typed about concrete ideas, changes, thoughts, wishes even. As Day Four of Emails wore on, I was frustrated that we hadn't talked on the phone or in person, but we were starting to write about mundane things like our errands and eating habits. We were professing a desire to work things out, but neither of us was really willing to put ourselves out there.

At 10 tonight I put a cake in the oven and text-messaged him: "Are you still awake?"

He texted about watching hockey and cleaning the coffee pot, so I headed over there faster than the law allows. As I was pulling into his driveway, I texted him to come outside and fulfill one of his earlier promises to kiss me.

The look on his face when I bounded up the steps to him could have melted me if I wasn't still so mad at him. He was so genuinely happy to see me and he LOOKED at me and we hugged a lot and he checked out how big my belly had gotten. We talked and joked a bit but I didn't go in and told him I had to go because I had a cake baking, but then I got what I came for.


I kissed Joe tonight.