Letting go

On Monday, Joe turned up an engagement ring.

No, not like that. Well, not exactly.

Last Thursday we had another counseling session. He almost didn't go, and I bet during that hour, he really wish he hadn't. I just let go. I was, uh, pretty passionate about letting him know exactly how I felt about him kicking me out of the house, and spent much of the hour expressing my, uh, passion on the issue.

I wouldn't say I was insulting (OK, maybe a little), but I was rather direct and, at times, loud.

At one point I used the word "fiancee," and the therapist jumped on this. "You two talked about marriage?"

You wouldn't know it by the way I was ranting. But then Joe told her something I didn't know: That he had had a ring ready to give to me. Since mid-May. It was a blip in the session and I didn't say anything about it at the time. I really thought he was just blowing smoke to cover his ass about all the stuff I was finally venting about.

I didn't really feel great after purging all that anger, even though I thought I would. So I just decided to turn things off, stay away from Joe for a while, go rent an apartment and think about all the big stuff later.

Friday morning, I went into the office and there was a plant on my desk. A peace lily, Joe pointed out later. I stood there at my desk crying. Good thing I was the only one in that early.

He sent me an email saying he was up most of the night thinking about everything I said, and when he did sleep he dreamed of me. Awwwwwww.

Fast-forward to Monday, after a weekend of communication, and we're driving around looking at rentals for me. And we're holding hands and he's telling the landlord that he's trying to sell his place and then he'd move into the rental with me so we could look to buy a home in earnest, with no time constraints. I know it's half bullshit, but it is a plan we had talked about in the past. And even though these were rentals, he's picking over them like he would be living there. All of this is bullshit, I'm telling myself. Stop feeling good.

We go back to his place for coffee. I don't know why, but I ask to see this ring. And he actually produced it. He said he was nervous about the size and had been trying to figure out my size before he gave it to me. He put it on my finger.... and it fit.

And it was big. I actually complained that it was too big. I'm the only woman in the world, I think, who would do that.

He said he'd get it polished and then I could wear it. I turned down the offer and told him to give it to me when he was more sure -- like, 100% sure -- he wanted to marry me. He didn't resist, and I don't think he was insulted.



For the Fourth, it was raining for most of the day. Municipalities threatened to call off fireworks. We had planned to go to the Regatta, but it didn't seem worth the effort. All the museums were closed, so Joe, Zoe and I went to play golf instead.

It was the first time Joe and Zoe were together since before the Florida trip. Zoe hadn't asked many questions about why we weren't staying at Joe's house, but when she did (usually she asked about a toy that was still there), I just told her that Joe and Mommy were mad but we were trying to be friends.

I was so reluctant to go, but when I told Zoe we were going to play golf with Joe, she was pleased. And Joe surprised me too. We played a round of miniature golf before hitting the driving range, and he didn't just display patience for her dragging her ball down each green, he really got into watching her, and he playfully scolded me for not helping her more. He even brought his ancient digital camera, something I had never seen him lug anywhere.

At one point Zoe hugged Joe at the knees and he rubbed the top of her head, and it felt like everything did five weeks ago. But surreal as all hell.

I couldn't help feeling guarded, but I had a great time, one that I didn't expect. And while I was still full of skepticism and doubt, I realized that for the first time in more than a month, I wasn't angry anymore.