Someone special

A friend of mine sent me a link to a personal ad, asking if Joe was 57, because this ad from a 57-year-old sounded exactly as I described Joe to her.

He's not 57, but I do agree that it sounds like Joe. I mean, down to the language and nuances and everything! I could dig up emails from Joe that follow the same timber of this ad, and while I don't think he's posted this, it is TRULY SCARY that there are others out there like him. And people like me to fall for them.

Oh, the things I wish I knew then.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL. - 57

Reply to: pers-340736551@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-05-29, 5:57PM EDT

I’m looking for a woman. But you knew that, from where this ad is placed. In the tradition of ads searching for men, I’m listing what you must not be or do.

1. Don’t have a dog. I’m not interested in anyone who needs affection so desperately that they choose to get it from something that can’t judge whether or not affection is deserved. I prefer cats, but my real pet is a plastic dinosaur.

2. Don’t chew gum. That you do it tells me that you need some sort of stimulation all the time – don’t expect that from any relationship that isn’t pathological. Besides, it looks low-class. I will not be associated with anyone low-class.

3. Don’t smoke. Smoking is an addiction, just like any other drug. I have no desire to deal with someone who needs to have reality chemically modified. I don’t smoke and I don’t use any drugs.

4. Don’t be fat or dirty. You’re going to gain weight as menopause progresses, and you can’t do much about it. If there are rolls of fat, forget it. I have a little extra weight, but there are no rolls of fat. Also, I shower every day, and I don’t coat myself in perfume.

5. Don’t be uneducated. Education involves more than trendy sex fiction, or books on horror, fantasy, or self-help; I don’t read any of that and I won’t start reading it. I read mostly history, engineering, and sciences. I can discuss a lot more than my reading list suggests, and I will learn about whatever fascinates you.

6. Don’t be “politically aware.” We’re just going to fight, and no woman is worth it. Women tend to be liberals, and I’m not; I don’t pay attention to politics.

7. Don’t tell me you’d like to travel and go to concerts. Tell me where you want to go, and that you’ve done it before. Tell me what kind of music you like. I want to go back to Britain (I have friends there), and I can be convinced I need to hear Fleetwood Mac once again.

8. Don’t tell you like CSI, Lost, American Idol, or whatever TV show is trendy today. I have no desire to follow someone else’s imaginary fantasy life, and I’m certainly not going to pretend it’s important to me. You’re not going to convince me to waste my time with it. I watch movies at home.

9. Don’t expect me to support you. If you have mental problems, see a shrink. Lacking confidence is normal in woman, and I can handle that. If you have huge debts that you want me to pay, forget it. I can support myself, and you should be able to, also.

10. Don’t expect me to repair your children. If they have problems, I refuse to inherit them. My children stand on their own, and they come to me for comment rather than for making their lives perfect.

11. Don’t expect me to become mindlessly enthusiastic about organized sports. I’m not interested in pretending to be a part of any team.

12. Don’t tell me that you love candlelight dinners, museums, antiques, romantic walks on the beach, and honest intimacy.