Oh, the headaches

Communication has been sporadic with Joe lately, but in my mailbox at work, I found a letter he apparently copied me on and sent to the day care:

Enclosed is my check for $410.52 representing my share of day care costs for my son Jacob for January 2008.

My calculation of my share of the January bill was based on your preliminary bill of $660 (20 days at $33 a day). Please let me know whether the preliminary bill was changed so we can apply a credit to a future bill.

Generally, I’m responsible for 58 percent of day care costs for Jacob. My payment is more than 58 percent because I am responsible for the full cost of Jacob’s day care for Jan. 23 and Jan. 25 ($33 for each day).

Here’s how I arrived at my share: $344.52 (equal to 58 percent of $594, which is the cost for 18 days of day care) plus $66 for Jan. 23 and Jan. 25. The total is $410.52.

To get a timely payment to you for February, I’ll need an estimated bill on Monday, Feb. 18. To date, I’ve kept Jacob out of day care one day this month: on Tuesday, Feb. 12. I can’t speak for Jacob’s mother.

Thank you for your cooperation.

If you found that hard to get through, so did I. BIG YAWN. I feel bad for the poor day care people who have to deal with this guy though. He is actually writing this to bolster his argument that I should pay for four days of day care in August -- AUGUST -- that I took off work and still had Jacob in day care. Two of those days, we were in court together, and Joe physically dropped the baby off. In fact, he dropped the baby off the other two August days too. He just amazes me.

After he recently negotiated a day switch through our lawyers -- very unnecessary and costly -- I told him he could go through me for stuff like that, that I didn't mind helping him out when he needed it. But this letter to the day care is so over the top. He is demanding things from them that, clearly, is not their responsibility.

Starting with January, I told him to pay the day care directly instead of me wrangling a reimbursement from him for months at a time, but clearly this has backfired and put the day care in a bad spot. So, I fired back a little.

Joe, I understand you have your concerns about the way we are paying the day care. I would prefer it though if we stuck with the language in the order (simply, you pay 58% and I pay 42%) and not get the day care involved in mediating our legal situation. The order does not address these new rules you intend to apply regarding days off, so if you want to amend it, please
attempt to do so through the courts. In the meantime, please let's follow the present order.

If you could kindly return Jacob's shoes to the day care center Monday, I would appreciate it.

He never can resist a rambling diatribe when given the opportunity:

It's these kind of messages that prove anew the wisdom of communicating through lawyers. Please do that because this is the last time I will respond to you directly. If I may paraphrase a message you sent me a while back: I pay my lawyer to deal with you.

1. The only shoes I have for Jacob are pairs I bought for him or my family or friends gave him as gifts. I don't have the brown pair you had been putting on him, if that's what you're talking about. Those were in your diaper bag the last time I saw them. I know this because I checked when Jacob was in socks one day about a week or so ago, and I asked the day care people where his shoes were. I haven't been putting shoes on him because his walking and proto-running are progressing better without them, and many experts say to allow children to go shoeless as much as possible.

2. I'm following my lawyers' advice on paying my legitimate day care costs. This costs you nothing because you apparently aren't willing to acknowledge that there are times when day care costs are solely your responsibility. I wouldn't be responsible for 58 percent of a sitter's cost if you put Jacob with someone on one of your nights or weekend days. To us, it's no different, most of the time, when one of us takes a workday off and puts Jacob in day care. There are exceptions, of course, but not many. This isn't a legal ploy or strategy; this is fair.

My lawyers and I have been consistent about the day care issue. We certainly are not going to say one thing -- the same thing we've been saying since the meeting when the support order was agreed to -- and do another. Still, my lawyers and I will show up if you and your lawyer want to go to court to complain that I'm paying more than my share, i.e., too much, for day care. Or, if you want to save on legal fees, you could try talking again to the HR department. Maybe someone there can direct me to reduce my day care payments.

Talk about getting an outsider "involved in mediating our legal situation."

In a somewhat unrelated matter, Jacob and I are scheduled to meet with the psychologist at 3 p.m. Friday, Feb. 22. As you may know, these sessions generally take about an hour (according to the psychologist). I'll return Jacob to the day care center afterward, in time for you to begin your weekend with him. Have your lawyer tell my lawyer if this is a problem for you.

I'm glad I can laugh at these mindless emails now, when they used to terrify me. At least he didn't call me fat, or lazy, or pizza face, or a fucking cunt. But this was the first time he mentioned that he knew I had gone to HR about him sniffing around our company's database for my employment records, so I almost had to acknowledge it:

I see you are still unwilling to develop a coparenting relationship.

I hope you don't continue to harass me about speaking with HR about your abusing your power as a manager for your personal gain at my expense. I wouldn't want to make another trip over there.

I will continue to pay my 42% of the total day care costs. If things get too unruly, I will deal with it another way.