Our Everything

"That mistake he thought he made
Covers up the refrigerator.
He loves that little girl.
Mama's waiting to tuck her in
As she tumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him
Dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight,
Blue eyes and bouncy curls.

There goes my life,
There goes my future,
My everything.
I love you Daddy,
Good night.
There goes my life."

-- Kenny Chesney, There Goes My Life

I spent the past couple of days sick, and I went on WebMD because I thought it might be *gasp* serious. I couldn't find anything to indicate I was actually sick. I'm now convinced I'm just anxious. I'm stressed, I haven't been eating right. So I've been tired and pumping myself with caffeine. Coffee on an empty stomach is a bad, bad thing.

The interview itself doesn't really bother me. The IDEA that I have to have an interview bothers me.

But so many of my friends are telling me how happy they are because they moved on. And I think my ex is now willing to accommodate as far as my daughter is concerned.

Can I really drive in snow???

This begs so many more questions... moving vans and money, god, gas prices these days. What about transporting the dogs? Who will help me load the truck? How does one roll over an IRA? Can I go back to my old doctor in Pittsburgh? Do I need to collect medical records before I go? How can I pay for this? I have a hundred bucks in my checking account and nothing in my savings. Oh, do I close the accounts before I leave or can I do it from Pittsburgh?

Where do I get that many boxes? Will Zoe's dad give me her stuff from his house too? Will my car make it to Pittsburgh? Do I have to get some special tires or something? Do I have enough warm clothes? What happens to my custody case?

The production editor came up to me tonight and asked me to fill in for him for a day in November. I told him sure, if I was still around. He walked away in a weird way. We had our holiday lottery and they all joked that me begging for Christmas Eve was a joke. It would be the first year I actually got Christmas day and New Year's Day as my natural days off.

But I want to give them to Zoe's dad. Every day I'm here, I feel like it might be the last. I can't imagine how her dad is feeling, knowing he's somewhat willing to kiss his daughter goodbye.

Better schools, better life. Great family. Happier mom. Tons of support. I know I have weighed everything, and I know I am doing the best thing.

But Daddy?

Someday she will leave me too. I guess I'm feeling a little of that now.