A Peace is Missing

"One day you'll wake up in the present day
A million generations
Removed from expectations
Of being who you really want to be.

So as you push off from the shore
Won't you turn your head once more
And make your peace with everyone."

- Jethro Tull, Skating Away

My daughter's father is suddenly giving me a hard time about this interview in Pittsburgh. I can't tell you how many times he's told me that he's surprised I haven't moved home by now. Or that he's waiting for me to move so he can move.

But the reality is getting to him. He yelled at me so loudly today on the phone that I couldn't understand a word he was saying. He's been harsh and even nasty at times before, but never THAT emotional. I don't even know what he was saying, and I'm not sure I want to know. This has been an emotional decision for me too.

The interview is set for mid-October. I think he's going to take care of Zoe while I'm gone, though he seemed to fight me on it. He wants her to stay in Florida but he can't even watch her for a weekend that I'm out of town. Sigh. But I think he will.

I think once he calms down we'll work it out. It's not like it's a job offer, for crying out loud. And I still have other pursuits going on in the county, even at my company.

So far my family has been way more helpful and open to me coming home than I ever imagined. My father is the only one with doubts, and I abide by his advice almost religiously, but if he doesn't accept me, I have others willing to help, including an aunt willing to take the dog I didn't want to leave behind! But I think Dad will come around. He's the kind of guy that would get pissed if someone else in the family stepped up. I take that at face value though: I think he doesn't want to see me fail. And it's more than a fear of taking care of me, I think he might actually be proud of me. That, or he wants me to stay in Florida so he has somewhere to crash when he retires.

I have to say, the whole idea of watching snow fall by the street light, seeing neighbors working in the garden in the spring, having the chance to see leaves turn colors in fall, watching the baby skip through a sprinkler in the summer... it's all starting to really appeal to me. I would really love for my daughter to grow up like I did. She's got three cousins in my dad's back yard alone. Here in Florida, she has a paved back yard, warehouses next door and a Taco Bell out front. Year round. That's what we can afford, where the median housing price is $450,000.

And little family.

I just don't want her to miss her dad if we move. I know she could have a richer life outside of Lauderdale, but her dad wouldn't be there every day. I think I might even miss him a tiny little bit. I don't want her to be mad at me later if I make this decision, but I'm really really leaning toward it. I'm already purging junk from the apartment.

It's been a long time since I've been at peace. It will be a while longer before I have it.