Stick a fork in me

"Where is my happy ending?"

-- Where Have All the Cowboys Gone, Paula Cole



Joe and I bickered Tuesday morning. I didn't realize at the time that we were bickering. I was lying in bed nursing the baby and I asked him why he went to bed the night before without saying anything. He had headed upstairs early, and a half hour later I found him tucked in bed, snoring.

"I didn't realize I was going to fall asleep," he told me. "I came up to read. Do you have anything else you want to complain about?"

I didn't answer him, because I thought he was joking. But he insisted. "DO YOU?"

Then he stomped off to the bathroom and slammed the door.

I actually giggled.


But it's so sad. The behavior has become so typical of him, and usually it would make me mad, but that morning, it just didn't.


I had a counseling appointment on my way to work. I had set something up to talk about Zoe, why she was acting up so much. After the encounter with Joe that morning, I walked in there feeling rather empowered.

It was a guy counselor, and I have to admit, I've had my fair share of counseling in my life, and I've never felt comfortable with a guy counselor. That morning was no different... it was more like work and less like commiserating. But he did say a few things that made me think, the most notable of them being: What bad things would happen if I left Joe?

I couldn't think of anything off the top of my head. And two days later, I'm still at a loss to come up with anything.

Nothing bad will happen. The world will remain intact if I leave Joe. Amazing!

Driving to work after that meeting, I realized I had talked little about Zoe's specific problems, and a lot about mine and Joe's. And it occurred to me: maybe they're one and the same.

And that kicked up my empowerment meter a few notches.


I had a weak moment today, when I felt like rushing to Joe's office and embracing him and telling him, "We can beat the odds! We love each other! We can make it! Just get some serious counseling and I'll stay with you!"

But I quickly realized that the Joe I was thinking of was the one who used to leave greeting cards in my work mailbox for no reason and who tried to cook for all of us when I was sick. The current Joe won't make eye contact with me at work and would sooner leave me rot in bed if I were sick.


I think I know now how to tell if a relationship has run its course: When one can function well in working and living quarters AS IF THE OTHER PERSON DOESN'T EVEN EXIST.

And it feels like an improvement.