Work, work, work

"Take your instinct by the reins.
You're better best to rearrange."

-- Finest Worksong, REM



I have been (kind of) waiting on Joe to initiate talks after our blowout the other day, but nothing. I had (kind of) left it with him, asking him that if he wanted out of all of this, he needed to let me know.

Still nothing.

And today I was using his computer to print out some tax stuff, and I found all kinds of searches he must have done for jobs.

In Florida.



As soon as I saw it, it about knocked the breath out of me. My big plan was to go buy a house and wait for him to come around, after feeling lonely in his house all alone, realizing what a great catch I am, pledging to change because he loved me and couldn't live without me, showing how much he appreciates all the happiness I bring to him. And then we'd live happily ever after with the help of regular, intense therapy.

So much for not being bitter.

Now, I don't know if he's looking for a job. Maybe he's.... looking for a job for someone else? Just curious about the market? After all, he used to live and work there. And he didn't much like it.

But if he is, and I'm not kidding myself too much, it feels like the past year has been one giant huge enormous fraud.

Which I wasn't entirely out of tune with for much of the time. I was just in denial.

He came home from work tonight and watched me make dinner, feed the kids, clear the table, load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen and scrub pans and bottles, do homework, make lunches for tomorrow, pack a day-care bag for Jacob after emblazoning his name on everything, bathe the kids, put them to bed, put them back in bed. He was on the couch watching the Penguins game the ENTIRE TIME. (I know, GO PENS!) So, knowing I'm quite capable of raising these two kids on my own, why does it upset me so much knowing that's a huge possibility?


I'm headed back to work tomorrow. I resisted the urge all day to tell Joe that his baby's nanny was officially off the clock. Because I didn't, I'm now up at midnight with the boy and a bottle while Joe's been asleep for an hour.

But I should be glad I'm going back to work. I'm hearing through the grapevine that a lot of my colleagues in South Florida aren't so lucky to be going in to a job tomorrow. I am thinking of them.