I am unbelievably sad

I'm about to crawl into bed with my two kids. We're having a "sleepover" on the futon in the family room. Zoe was so excited to be able to curl up with me and watch TV.

They have been asleep for hours as I unpacked more boxes.

Joe is waging all-out war on me... and all I wanted to do when this started was get out from under him and take a breath. Today I took the kids to the park and we went grocery shopping at the new Giant Eagle, the big, most hugest one that is closest to us now, and as I was driving around, every once in a while I'd see something and think, "Oh, I should text Joe about that." And then an overwhelming feeling of nausea would come over me.

And tonight I was explaining fire safety to Zoe and it totally backfired. She started wailing that she didn't want a fire, that she wanted to be back at Joe's where they have sprinklers so there's no fire.

Whoever heard of a mom spoiling her kid BY GETTING SPRINKLERS INSTALLED? I'm actually thinking about it.

I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go through this mess ahead of me. I don't want to defend myself against all the lies Joe is feeding into this, and I don't want to think about how I actually almost married this man. That he can be this cruel, this evil, I can't believe I exposed myself to it, THAT I EXPOSED MY DAUGHTER TO IT, and was so stupid not to see it before now. AND I JUST KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE.

He has asked his lawyer to order a psychological evaluation of my daughter, he's poised to sue any of my family members who watch Jacob on my behalf, he's even brought my dead mother into it. Every time I think it can't get any uglier, he finds a way. I just can't believe this mess.

I feel so fucking lonely. It's so difficult to come to terms with the fact I've been believing in a lie for a year. The fact that I completely ignored my intuition makes me physically ill.

All I ever wanted out of this was a family.

And tonight, I will have it. I will crawl into bed with my children, something that has been forbidden by Joe for so long. I will feel their breath on my neck and snore along with them, and I will let myself be at peace for a while.