Poker face

My head is swimming. I had to find and schedule an inspector, sift through two mortgage offers, get an estimate on homeowner's insurance and schedule that inspection too... collect bank statements and 401k information.... pretend to work and give a damn about it...

I got home from work tonight and cooked pasta. Joe, again, refused to eat what I cooked. I ignored him making his own dinner. While I was scrubbing pots and bottles at the sink, he started on Zoe, who was still eating. "Sit closer to the table. Eat over your dish. Oh, just do what you want. Move more to the side. Wh... Why, WHY??" He turned to me. "Why is she stabbing the seat cushion with her FORK?"

I felt like yelling, "Because she wishes it was you!" or "Because we were never able to afford seat cushions so I was never able to teach her about them!" but instead I mustered, quite loudly, "Why don't you ask HER?" And when he didn't, I offered, loudly, my own explanation: "BECAUSE SHE'S FIVE!"

Which was good enough I guess.

I turned to Zoe and very firmly said, "Joe likes his things the way they are, so please don't mess up Joe's things. Eat."

That sent him away, mumbling something about etiquette. I mumbled stuff back. It's the longest conversation we've had in weeks.

An hour later the kids were tucked safely away and I headed out to the grocery store.

I broke down crying in the car.

It's just so hard. I should feel good about the house thing, but it's just another layer added to the mess right now. Should I tell Joe? When should I tell Joe? What should I tell him? Should I switch Zoe's school with a month to go, or keep sneaking her into her current school?

I ended up in my new driveway.

I got out and walked around the house, and I felt better. I sat in the car and stared at the thing, and imagined how much I'd be taking it all for granted in a year or two. But how happy I was with it at that moment. I took the time to drive around the neighborhood... it's a quirky little place, with all different kinds of homes, small, big, new, old... and it's own little park. There's probably only 25 homes there, but it has its own park. Didn't notice it before.

And it's not nearly as far away from everything as I thought the first time I went there. It's not even 10 minutes from the day care.



I don't know if Joe knows that I've bought a house or not. My phone suddenly has been ringing in a flurry, and he knows I've been looking... He's a lot of things, but he's not stupid.

I wanted to blurt it out all day, to everyone, I AM A HOMEOWNER, but I had to keep it in. I have to tell Joe at some point. I'm so afraid when I do, he'll say, "I know."

That would really piss me off.