Acceptance

"Can't stop now,
I've traveled so far
to change this lonely life."

-- I Wanna Know What Love Is, Foreigner



There's something so unspeakably incredible about a baby's gaze. Now that Jacob is crying less and sleeping better, we've been seeing a lot more of his good side... smiling and cooing and gazing.

He's so unafraid of staring holes through us with pure love. It's amazing.

It's supposed to snow like mad here starting tomorrow. I made sure I stocked up on shit so I didn't have to go out in the next few days. As if I would have anyway. I think I got out of my pajamas once in the past two weeks. The most actual contact I've had with outside life lately includes waving at Zoe's bus driver and greeting the CVS clerk -- both in my jammies. So, this week is now guaranteed to be no different.

And as much as I'd like to get the hell out of the house, I'm pretty sure I'm quitting my job. I know I haven't talked about my job much on the blog, but I assure you, I hate it. There is nothing at all that I like about it beyond the physical task of the work itself. The people, the philosophy, the mission... the company long ago dropped off my list of favorite things.

So it wasn't hard to start thinking in this direction.

Beyond my dislike of the job, I just don't think I'm ready to go back. I don't think I've got full handle of this parenting thing, and I don't want my super-cranky baby in day care just yet. I've thought about part-time or freelance work, and that might work for me right now. In fact, it's the only thing that would possibly keep me sane while earning an income.

The problem is the lack of health benefits. Joe can put Jacob on his insurance, but Zoe and I would be left without.

Unless Joe and I married.


I've heard from friends who think it is a horrible idea to marry him if there's even a blip in our relationship radar. And I've heard from friends who say marry him just to get the financial stability in the event we split.

But the truth is... I love the hell out of this guy. Sometimes I come close to talking myself out of loving him, but I almost always wake up the next morning (or in a few days) all gooey and in love with him again. No matter how mad I get at him, I can't hang on to any anger for him for long.

Maybe I'm getting older and more mature, or maybe I'm settling, or maybe I'm realizing I have very exaggerated faults in the relationship field, or maybe I'm too quick to think our young and complicated pairing should be easy, or maybe I have a horrible psychological problem that prevents me from seeing that I'm feeding myself a load of crap right now...

Or maybe I have just never been in real love before now. Maybe my stubborn, controlling self has met her match, someone who will stick around even when I get stupid and try to sabotage a good thing.

But I just feel all kinds of good when I am with him. Because I am with him.

And he has never hesitated in his desire to marry me. He's wanted to throw me out of the house, but he's wanted to get hitched nonetheless. :)

We are still in negotiations about all of this... and I am the one hesitating... I will peel back all my layers of self-esteem before I'm convinced...

But I admit I am feeling more sound and happy -- and almost giddy -- about finally accepting being in love for the rest of my life.


"I've got nowhere left to hide;
It looks like love has finally found me."
-- Foreigner