Long and lost

OK, I promised some dirt on my current work situation. But... I am going to chicken out on providing actual details. I spent all day thinking about what to do, since I have about, hmmmmm, one day to decide. I'm sure that the only people who read this blog, if anyone, are probably ex-boyfriends who like to see me suffer and ex-coworkers who'd like to see me succeed. But I can't take the chance of being shown the door if I decide my medical benefits outweigh the stress.

But I can say this: Have you ever read one of those top ten lists about, say, why you should tell your boss to kiss your ass? Here's a great one from careerbuilder.com via AOL.

I can attest that I experience not three or four or five, but every single one of those, at my place of employment. It was not what I signed up for when I agreed to move 1,000 miles away from my life and friends and Cuban food to live with family and cold weather again.

So, I thought I'd stick to the positive, and try to weigh the pros and cons of the effects on my personal life instead of focusing on the lifeforces who suck up all my sanity and patience for 40 hours of my week. So, here are some things I have to worry about, if I quit:

INCOME
That's the obvious one. I can stop talking about the new car I want, or the new house we need. Not having money will take away a lot of my choices. I recently came into a little windfall that will help me along until I find another job, but who the hell will write me a mortgage if I'm not working? I've been in a hurry to get the big things in order so I can start living happily ever after, and that will have to, again, take a back seat until I find another job. Which I do want to do. Very much. I miss my dogs, who have been staying with others for the past year. And I'm beginning to miss my privacy, with Jacob and all his crap crammed into our bedroom.

TIME
If I quit, I'll have ample time to shop for a job. I won't have to keep asking for afternoons off when I interview, and I won't have to keep making up excuses. It will also give me more time with the kids, and really, when else do you have such a great excuse to interrupt your career for any length of time?

KARMA
I've always been the kind of person who lets things happen to her. I've said no to a lot of things, but saying yes to what I have has been what has gotten me this far. I don't play a very proactive role in my own life... and when I made the big move back to Pittsburgh, I was very proud of if not shocked with myself. I mean, I talked about it for 10 years before I actually did it. And while I have lucked out so far by letting things fall into my lap, I can't guarantee that wonderful life trend will continue.

LOVE
I have no doubt Joe would like to see me quit, if not now, then later. But quitting now would mean that to keep my responsibilities intact, I'd have to marry him now rather than later. We wanted to make a little bit of deal out of it, but on short notice that couldn't happen. I hate the idea of marrying just to secure medical benefits. But you know, we are two peas in a pod: we're both happy with the status quo, and we'd both be happy if and when it changes, but neither of us is ambitious enough to actually find out what the hell we need to do to actually make this marriage thing happen. (Well, that's not true... three months ago I actually bought wedding magazines and promptly hid them under the bed. That's more effort than he's shown!) What if our love survives on this laziness? Who wants to mess with that. If I went back to work, even for a few months, we could buy time and even save a little to follow through with that. Properly.

SOAP OPERAS
I've finally caught up on all of them. And judge shows have come a long way since Wapner went off the air. I have yet to redevelop my addiction to Oprah, and have been holding off. But in all seriousness, I enjoy the domestic life. I have been cooking my ass off. And even cleaning once in a great while. The truth is, I wouldn't mind prolonging it if I were sure I'd be able to find work shortly. If we had established a new home sooner, this decision might have been easier... I would have landed a mortgage and I have enough cash in the bank to cover us for a few months... but it might have been harder, with the pressure of finding a job with at least the same income to cover it all.

I've thought about asking to go back part-time, but that would still leave me with the benefits dilemma. And if I go back, I'm sure the odds are stacked in my favor of not lasting long. The first sign of trouble, I'm likely to see it as my sign of karma, time to haul ass, NOW. And thus, I will have burned a bridge that way. If I plan it right, in a calm manner now, I can leave open a door in case there's no other job out there for me.

Who the hell wants a newspaper designer?

But, I'll think positively. Like... who wouldn't want a former newspaper designer?

It might be a little bit easier -- just a little -- to go back to work if someone in my little intimate department might have thought -- and maybe this is selfish of me -- to whip out two bucks for a card, have all four of them sign it, maybe pass it around to the people I work with in the newsroom, and, I don't know, send it to me after I HAD A BABY. Everyone in Joe's department sent us something, but my department couldn't even be bothered to sign a card or send an email. It's not like I expected a baby shower in the conference room or a bunch of flowers sent to the hospital. I expected nothing except a little bit of acknowledgment, but nothing is what I got.

If I held on to a little bit of hope that I had a little bit of relationship with a little bit of them, I've proved myself wrong.

Who wants to go back to work after that?

I tell myself it's all bigger than that. But in the end, is it??