Can't keep it together

"Somebody told me
That this is the place
Where everything's better,
Everything's safe."

-- Walk on the Ocean, Toad the Wet Sprocket



Is it just me?

Or does everyone have all these relationship obstacles?

I'm thinking I might have my own set of unique relationship-busting traits. Take for example, my self-assured mantra that lasted until about, oh, six years ago, when I constantly told myself I didn't want kids, that I could not possibly bring a child into this horrible world, nor have the patience to nurture them through it.

My stand on that issue probably would have rooted out many potential suitors, and yet I ended up having children with men who also thought having children or having more children was not in the cards for them, and seemed happy enough to keep it that way. Yet seemed happy enough when the "surprise" spilled out on the delivery room table.

In my own trailer-parky way, I've managed to carve out two new beings in the universe. It's made me want a family of my own so much, probably since the natural progression of having a relationship then having a child should lead to some kind of cohesive, lasting thing. And losing my mother as a teen once made me snub that kind of thing, but now I have a pressing desire to re-create what my family life was like with her. I like to fantasize now that my mom's obit said she was married a bazillion years and died so old. And that I would do the same. And I feel like a failure. It didn't happen for either of us, for different reasons: She never got to, and I just never got it.

My kids will be half-siblings, but they will never feel that way if I can help it. And I have a deep admiration for both of them... the new one is so fascinating, but I never grow tired of sitting on the side of Zoe's bed watching her sleep. And if their fathers don't have an interest in me, they will never feel for a moment that their fathers don't want them, even if I have to beat the shit out of someone to make that happen.

But am I crazy for wishing I had a constant role model for them? Someone who will stick around, get on the floor with them, suffer through nursery rhyme stories over and over at bedtime, get dirty with them outside, relent and get them those expensive sneakers just this once, cuddle with them when they are sick? I mean, who the hell would be interested in that kind of shit? And take care of my sorry ass too?

Every time I think I have it.....