Crowded house

Who knew adding another person to our house would bring about such loneliness?

I have a feeling we are all feeling a little lonely these days. Joe comes home from work exhausted. He normally is asleep on the couch by 8 or 9. He doesn't seem to remember being up during the night, though he does sometimes get up to help me with the baby. But we don't talk as much as we used to, and I noticed he seems sad a lot. One of his daughters is going through cancer treatments, and the other is about to have a baby of her own. He shares news with me, matter-of-factly, but doesn't really talk about the toll it is taking on him.

Zoe is suddenly a chatterbox. Being inside while it's cold outside is creating some serious cabin fever. Going to school doesn't seem to take the edge off for her. I have her coming straight home from school now instead of going to the Boys & Girls Club, but I'm thinking I'll start her back to the club sooner than I thought. I feel horrible that I'm shushing her all the time when the baby is sleeping, and I haven't been letting her help with simple things like cooking dinner because I'm in such a hurry to get it done before the baby has to eat or before he wakes up. She has been crying a lot lately, and it just breaks my heart.

Jacob cries the most. He has had the sniffles and I know he's not feeling great. And when I'm away from him for more than a minute, he lets everyone know it. I think Joe gets a little cross when he can't comfort him. I do too. I can't even take a peaceful shower.

For me, being home all day with Jacob is not exactly a chore, but it's more work than I remember. I look forward to Zoe coming home, but then she's constantly chattering at me in one ear and I have a hungry baby crying in the other ear. I look forward to Joe coming home, but then I have two kids whining in one ear and Joe complaining about something in the other. I usually keep it together until Zoe goes to bed. By then Joe is usually on his way to sleeping, then I'm alone with the baby again. Sometimes he lets me fall into bed as early as 2 a.m., sometimes as late as 5 a.m.

When I do get to enjoy my kids, it's usually not at the same time, and I spend the time feeling guilty about the other. And I have to balance that with Joe, finding time to put our relationship on the frontburner, though it seems his stamina or interest in doing so is waning. And then there's the disparity inherent to paternity... Joe never approved of Zoe in our bed even when she had bad dreams, but now Jacob is in our bed every night. Explaining this to Zoe at bedtime every night while she's threatening to have bad dreams so I'll have to take care of her is killing me.

I haven't heard from anyone except my sister and my lawyer in Florida for a week.

I am trying so, so hard not to feel sorry for myself. Luckily I don't have the luxury of time to do so very often.